Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

LA CROSSE, WIS – With recent snowstorms adding significant accumulation to the Coulee Region, area pavement cracks are looking forward to reigniting their passion for abruptly driving snow shovel handles into the abdomens of unsuspecting shovelers once again.

“Honestly, it’s fucking hilarious,” said Cracky McFaultline, local pavement crack on 19th Street in La Crosse. “My guy comes out before work with his shovel thinking it’s smooth sailing. He’s cruising along, pushing powder, thinking about his day, then BANG! Got ya, motherfucker! Ha haaaa! How about a stiff jab to the kidney area? That’ll wake you up!” 

Abruptly stopping shovels or snow blowers and jacking up their owners with a ramrod to the midsection is an eagerly anticipated tradition in the pavement crack community, with hundreds of thousands participating each winter. 

“The first snowfall is always the best, because that’s when people are most vulnerable,” said Bangy Gutsmack of Hickory Street in Onalaska. “They’re all caught up in the majestic beauty of the first snow and all that sing-songy, winter wonderland bullshit. They don’t remember us from last year at all. Yeah, how about a solid four-inch handle buried six inches into your belly button? That’ll change your tune real quick, Bing Crosby.” 

Experts advise using memory aids or visual markers to help shovelers stay safe and avoid slamming into pavement cracks, but the summertime hiatus and heavy snow cover can adversely affect memory and spatial awareness. 

“At the end of the day, we got their asses,” said McFaultline. “You will get a shovel to the gut at some point. It’s a matter of when and where, so go ahead and step out into that fresh blanket of snow. That’s a minefield. Roll the dice, motherfucker.”