Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area meteorologists reiterated one more time Friday that they are definitely sure that a huge blizzard is coming, maybe someday, probably.

”Oh, it’s definitely coming!” said meteorologist Rickle Williams-Frost of WPOS News, wiping a river of flop sweat from his forehead. “Yeah, it’s just, you know, uh… models change and, uhh… it’ll definitely be here, trust me! I didn’t just cause everyone to cancel major plans over wind, okay? It’ll… it’ll be here…”

Schools, businesses, day cares, churches, food pantries and fun Secret Santa-themed comedy shows were canceled and/or closed bracing for severe weather; weather that was for sure expected, “on Wednesday, wait no Thursday, wait actually Friday is when it’ll REALLY get nasty, okay just kidding, Saturday is the bad one, for real this time.”

Some meteorologists have been quick to point out that the term blizzard is a bit more fluid than residents may think.

”Look, I know when we throw out terms like ‘blizzard’, or ‘severe winter storm warning’, or ‘for the love of all that is holy, if you even think about traveling past Wednesday afternoon, you will end up like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining’, you might think we mean snow,” said WTIT-TV Chief Meteorologist David Onsloat said. “Well, ‘blizzard’ actually has a wide gamut of definition, and cold and windy fits just fine, alright?”

Based on meteorological forecasts, the week’s winter storm was expected to bring 0.01 to 98 feet of snow, wind gusts up to 13,000 miles per hour, fallen trees and angels, the polar bear from the Coca-Cola commercials except he’s mad now, icy roads, icy stares, ice castles through the eyes of love, and the army of the dead from Game of Thrones.

The system that disrupted the holidays is what the NWS calls a “bomb cyclone”, which they theorize is caused by people not inviting TV meteorologists to fun Christmas parties.