La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up

LA CROSSE, WIS — A 26-year-old La Crosse man reportedly makes a stunning and sudden transformation into a tax revenue expert whenever talk of legalization in Wisconsin comes up.

Friends — who initially asked to be referred to as acquaintances — of downtown resident Jeremy Kronstadt first noticed his remarkable transformation after the announcement Thursday that the Wisconsin GOP is working toward medical pot legalization.

“It was immediate. His eyes went from half-closed and the color of a sunset to clear, laser focused and honestly? A little bit aggressive,” said Kronstadt’s friend Grace.

Grace went on to describe the experience as one not unlike “when Iron Man suits up,” before a fight.

“I kind of half-expected his hoodie to morph into a suit and tie right in front of me,” Grace added. “It’s the most I’ve ever heard him talk without giggling.”

The La Crosse Times caught up with Kronstadt to see this transformation firsthand. The 26-year-old Jimmy Johns delivery driver gladly agreed to an interview, but only after insisting that we listen to the cool guitar riff he just came up with.

It was House of the Rising Sun.

“Gonna be a good one, I think,” Kronstadt – who smelled like a wet basement filled with dead raccoons – said. “So, what do you guys wanna ask me about…?”

Our reporters showed Kronstadt the story, first reported by the Associated Press, and upon reading the headline, his entire demeanor changed. Kronstadt shot up from the bean bag chair held together by duct tape and gave his hooded sweatshirt one swift tug, sending a cloud of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos dust into the air and shooting off several dried macaroni noodle projectiles.

“They should be legalizing it in general,” Kronstadt proclaimed in a booming and articulate voice. “We simply should not sit idly by and leave all of this extra potential revenue on the floor!”

Now standing erect in two separate ways, Kronstadt explained in excruciating detail the ways in which he believed the state government could take advantage of extra tax revenue; a full 20 minute presentation complete with visual aids.

“We’re talking billions, okay? That’s all new roads, that’s all new school facilities, that’s a skyscraper made of cheese curds that blasts Charlie Berens quotes on a bullhorn every minute on the minute,” Kronstadt said, climaxing a lil’ bit. “No reasonable person could say they are against that.”

Kronstadt’s friends admit that, despite how increasingly frequent his transformations occur, they remain convincing.

“He’s got a point, I think,” Grace said. “But I’m kinda worried it could actually happen, though. Not that I’m against marijuana legalization! I just have no idea what Kronstadt would even talk about if it was legal.”