FORT MCCOY, WIS — Fort McCoy will run training exercises this weekend designed to help the federal military installation respond to flooding disasters.

The plan calls for Fort personnel to dump upwards of 15 bajillion gallons of water into the Mississippi River and practice responding to the flooding that this action will inevitably cause.

“This is an important annual exercise to remain ready for disaster response,” Commander James Lesstooth said.

However, with the Mississippi River stage expected to be near major flood stage already, some residents questioned the safety of the exercise — particularly after the National Weather Service issued a “Hey, don’t dump a shit-ton of water in the river, you meatheaded dopes” warning for much of the area.

“Listen, we hear your concerns, but we’ve got our own guy here that assesses the water level, snow melt, rainfall, terrain… all that nerd shit, and he said we’re fine,” Commander Lesstooth said. “Plus, we’ve got thousands of Army National Guard members flying in for this training and we already booked their hotels, so… this is happening, okay?”

In response to Fort McCoy’s planned exercise, the Wisconsin DNR issued a statewide Heavy Sigh And Shoulder Shrug.