WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to prove his worth, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson’s newest intern is currently losing his goddamn mind trying to figure out how to blame a recent train derailment in De Soto, Wisconsin on the Covid-19 vaccine.
“Fuck!” exclaimed Terry Kashkow, pulling out yet another patch of hair. “There’s gotta be a way. Think, dammit!”
Kashkow, now recently turned 27, nabbed a spot in Sen. Johnson’s office after the Republican won re-election in 2022. He stood out from the pack of applicants by making a bold claim on his cover letter.
“It just said – in bolded, 72-size comic sans font – ‘IT’S ALL THE VACCINE AND I WILL PROVE IT’” said Sen. Johnson’s chief of staff Skylar Whitefuk. “RonJohn didn’t even read his résumé, he immediately hired Terry after the cover gave him a boner so fast, he ripped his briefs.”
Kashkow shot up the ranks to the senator’s inner circle in just a few months, a truly remarkable accomplishment for an intern that none of the higher-ups wanted to have sex with. He’s credited with some of Ron Johnson’s most famous misinformation regarding Covid vaccines, however, the further he goes along, the more challenging his bullshit has become.
“This was easy when I could just call every injury in contact sports a ‘vaccident’,” Kashkow said. “But I don’t know how I’m gonna do this one… tracks… flooding… flooded… flooded with mRNA! That’s what it’s flooded wi- ugh, that’s no good, dammit! My whole career is riding on this! Think!”
Johnson’s staff were among a host of members from elected officials’ offices visiting the site of the derailment Friday. Kashkow was immediately identifiable, having asked every single first responder if the BNSF workers on board the train suffered from myocarditis.
“I’m just saying! It’s suspicious that we had all these vaccines and then BOOM! Two years later this train derails,” he shouted at a BNSF rep, unprompted. “Did… did they hear me…?”