City leaders deadlocked on how to pretend to address homelessness

LA CROSSE, WIS — City officials are deadlocked on how to appear to be doing anything to address homelessness.

Council representatives came away from a marathon session Thursday night again with no clear plan on how to sweep the issue under the rug one more time.

At the heart of the issue is whether the City should adopt a casual indifference peppered with platitudes, or go with a much bolder plan of outright hostility.

“We just can’t seem to find common ground between the two — and only two — existing strategies out there,” Council Representative Nate Bigpork said.

The City recently dabbled in trying to carry out both strategies at the same time; an ultimately unsustainable approach, according to officials.

“Listen, we’ve tried to shuffle these people into temporary hotels with almost no oversight, into parks with almost no oversight, while at the same time, publicly kicking them out periodically so we can “clean up” and throw out personal belongings,” Bigpork added, “but at the end of the day, that’s costing us a lot of time and money that could be better spent on PSA Cameos from Charlie Berens for our social media accounts.”

City leaders are unified on one thing, however: they agree that a solution is not as simple as constituents are claiming.

“If we’ve learned anything from this, it’s that you can’t please everyone,” said Bigpork. “So our goal is to please no one.”