God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

ONALASKA, WIS — In the strongest rebuke yet of the area’s sudden spike in gas prices, God issued a statement via severe thunderstorm Friday night.

“I—the alpha and the omega—rebuke and condemn in the strongest possible terms this callous, greedy and above all unnecessary cash grab,” the almighty said though a wall of 60 mile per hour wind gusts and damn-near basketball-sized hail.

The statement may have fallen on deaf ears however, as the energy industry has now grown more powerful than God, according to experts.

“Unfortunately, the lord can issue as many statements knocking down Kwik Trips all he wants, they will only grow back stronger,” said UW-La Crosse professor of economics Dr Jargon Thistledimp. “That’s why some in the industry call them the ‘Creeping Charlie’s of gas stations’. Eventually they’ll grow so much that the whole area will be choked out.”

Some experts like Dr Thistledimp worry this could signal an escalation in a larger conflict between God and the energy industry.

“Look, simple fact is, the more we indulge the oil and gas industry, the more and heavier-handed ‘statements’ we’re going to receive in response,” he added, “so, buckle up.”