LA CRESCENT, Minn. — That one person you know who lives in Minnesota announced Tuesday that they are now very much interested in gardening. “I really, really need to get an herb garden going,” explains La Crescent native Jimmy Neglijay. “It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I only really decided I needed to do it on Tuesday, May 30th at noon… or, thereabouts.” … Continue reading BREAKING: Minnesota friend now REALLY into gardening
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to prove his worth, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson’s newest intern is currently losing his goddamn mind trying to figure out how to blame a recent train derailment in De Soto, Wisconsin on the Covid-19 vaccine. “Fuck!” exclaimed Terry Kashkow, pulling out yet another patch of hair. “There’s gotta be a way. Think, dammit!” Kashkow, now recently turned 27, nabbed a spot … Continue reading Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine
FORT MCCOY, WIS — Fort McCoy will run training exercises this weekend designed to help the federal military installation respond to flooding disasters. The plan calls for Fort personnel to dump upwards of 15 bajillion gallons of water into the Mississippi River and practice responding to the flooding that this action will inevitably cause. “This is an important annual exercise to remain ready for disaster … Continue reading Fort McCoy to dump 15 bajillion gallons of water into Mississippi for flood control training
LA CROSSE, WIS — A 26-year-old La Crosse man reportedly makes a stunning and sudden transformation into a tax revenue expert whenever talk of legalization in Wisconsin comes up. Friends — who initially asked to be referred to as acquaintances — of downtown resident Jeremy Kronstadt first noticed his remarkable transformation after the announcement Thursday that the Wisconsin GOP is working toward medical pot legalization. … Continue reading La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up
LA CROSSE, WIS — Area meteorologists reiterated one more time Friday that they are definitely sure that a huge blizzard is coming, maybe someday, probably. ”Oh, it’s definitely coming!” said meteorologist Rickle Williams-Frost of WPOS News, wiping a river of flop sweat from his forehead. “Yeah, it’s just, you know, uh… models change and, uhh… it’ll definitely be here, trust me! I didn’t just cause … Continue reading Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’
LA CROSSE, WIS — Donald Zietlow, First of His Name, CEO of the Bluepolos, the Banana Trucks, and the First Beer-Runs-of-the-Night, Lord of the Seven Rivers, and Protector of the Coulee Realm, will step down for retirement, naming his son and Mayo Clinic Maester Scott as heir. But two others have now made a claim for the Karuba Throne. Donald’s brother Aegon Zietlow first made … Continue reading Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO
ONALASKA, WIS — The world’s most boring human who also happens to have — and may even play — a guitar seems to have lost his or her pick. Authorities claim they located the pick Tuesday in the parking lot of an Applebees. The mildly used blue pick showcases a “US Bank” logo on the front, giving valuable insight on what kind of person it … Continue reading World’s most boring guitar player loses pick
WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — Great news for concert-goers! Ticket seller and monopolized behemoth Ticketmaster says ordering Hoobastank tickets is working just fine. The news came via a hastily-typed release late Tuesday night following a myriad of problems with the company’s website. “We were first alerted to the problem earlier this week, when millions of customers told us they weren’t able to buy tickets for their … Continue reading Hoobastank tickets still working just fine, Ticketmaster says
LA CROSSE, WIS — Tempers flared Tuesday as a local libertarian realized his polling location was within 500 feet of a school. “This is an outrage!” said lifelong libertarian Michael Mikman. “This is clearly the work of the woke liberal agenda. That ACTIVIST JUDGE at La Crosse County Circuit Court is just jealous that I’ve got GAME and he doesn’t! Sorry about your limp dick, … Continue reading Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school
VIROQUA, WIS — The 2022 Midterm Elections are just a few days away, and local independent voters are psyching themselves up to once again completely wreck society for the foreseeable future. “I just really thought the fallout from the once in a lifetime pandemic was going to be all rainbows and sunshine,” said cross-eyed Vernon County resident Lake Bellfast. “It’s just not going the way … Continue reading Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday
