FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

TAMPA BAY, FL — Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) began the process of loading up an entire hurricane on an airplane to send to a democratic stronghold Tuesday. DeSantis, flanked by a sign reading, “Stop Woke Nature”, defended his administration’s actions at a press conference. “Look, Hurricane Ian signed a consent form and we gave him a packet of information on services that are available in … Continue reading FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

WASHINGTON, DC — Cries of lawmakers currently in control of all houses of the US government echoed through the chambers this morning as elected representatives wondered if anyone was going to do something. “What are we doing?!” Sen. Putz Limpington of the majority ruling party said. “When will we finally say enough is enough, and finally do something?” Early reports indicate that the current ruling … Continue reading ‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

Rotary Lights Sets Up New Display Specifically in Honor of Mother Nature

LA CROSSE, WIS – Visitors to the 27th annual Rotary Lights display will notice a brand new installation, specifically set up in honor of Mother Nature: a giant middle finger adorned with twinkling multicolored lights. The new installation was put up with efforts from volunteers who scrambled to get the entire display up and running again after an unprecedented windstorm caused tens of thousands of … Continue reading Rotary Lights Sets Up New Display Specifically in Honor of Mother Nature

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Man Feeling Pretty Heroic About Donating All The Non-Perishable Food He Doesn’t Wanna Eat

LA CROSSE, WIS — As people come together to help one another this giving season, one La Crosse man is feeling particularly good about donating 100% of the food he doesn’t want to eat himself. “It just feels so good to get rid of it,” Henry Lancaster, 43, said. “Sorry! I meant to get it out of my pantry– Sorry! I mean… it feels good … Continue reading Man Feeling Pretty Heroic About Donating All The Non-Perishable Food He Doesn’t Wanna Eat

Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000

LA CROSSE, WIS — A Texas man visiting family in La Crosse is now suing a vandal accused of helping deface a baby statue. Sunday, La Crosse’s notorious “Hatched Baby” statue had its head removed by vandals, damaging it so much, eyewitnesses described it as “almost normal looking now”.  Once 46 year old Texan Rudy “Tootie” Shoody saw the news on his steam-powered iPhone, he … Continue reading Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000

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‘I need to be able to kick these lazy renters out!’ says man whose entire living is passive income

LA CROSSE, WIS — Landlords are already pushing back on a Biden administration plan to extend the eviction moratorium to October 3rd in areas experiencing high transmission of the delta variant. La Crosse area landlord and meat trimmings garbage receptacle wished to life in a Stephen King short story, Landon Biggs, is one of those pushing back, saying that renters are too lazy to bother … Continue reading ‘I need to be able to kick these lazy renters out!’ says man whose entire living is passive income

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UN Declares Kwik Trip Parking Lot a Humanitarian Disaster

ONALASKA, WIS — A resolution recently passed by the United Nations has declared a local gas station’s parking lot as a disaster area and will seek to send aid as soon as possible. The gas station – a Kwik Trip located on Highway 16 in Onalaska – is locked in a years-long conflict between several factions of drivers, each at odds over controlling power in … Continue reading UN Declares Kwik Trip Parking Lot a Humanitarian Disaster

Recently Hatched Mayfly Who Can Fly Anywhere Pretty Excited to Sit at Gas Pump for Rest of Its Life

LA CROSSE, WI – A mayfly from the most recent hatch says despite an ability to fly and explore much of the brand new world around it, it would much rather stay put on the first gas pump on which it landed. “This really feels like this is where I need to be,” the mayfly said. “I have the ability to go pretty much anywhere, … Continue reading Recently Hatched Mayfly Who Can Fly Anywhere Pretty Excited to Sit at Gas Pump for Rest of Its Life

Annual City-Wide College Garage Sale in Full Swing

LA CROSSE, WIS — With the school year ending and summer fast approaching, La Crosse college students have once again organized a month-long city-wide garage sale. All items are earmarked for free pickup and can be found in large piles sitting on curbs outside of college rentals and dorms.  “We just think this is a great way to give back to the community and promote … Continue reading Annual City-Wide College Garage Sale in Full Swing

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

WASHINGTON, DC — The CDC released new guidelines Wednesday saying that if one has been fully vaccinated against COVID-19, they are now allowed to wear socks with flip flops in public if they want to. “This type of behavior is typically not allowed,” CDC spokesperson Hannah Buttsinheimer said, “but after careful analysis of the data, we’ve found that for fully vaccinated people, there is a … Continue reading CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public