Gundersen Health System has released its plan for vaccinating complete and utter dipshits who have stated they will refuse to get vaccinated for COVID-19 for a variety of nonsensical reasons. The announcement comes after a PEW study in December 2020 showed that 39% of people are opposed to getting the vaccine. This would essentially make herd immunity impossible with a minimal attainment percentage being 70%. Continue reading Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents

SPARTA, FL — Resistance to wearing facial coverings continues, particularly in more rural conservative areas of the state. Jake Dockerville, 33, of Sparta says he will refuse to wear a mask over personal reasons. “Hey look… I just don’t want to look weird,” Dockerville said, decked out head to toe in hunting camouflage in the month of July. “A mask would make me look weird, … Continue reading Guy Wearing Camo Year-Round Says a Mask Will Make Him ‘Look Weird’

EAU CLAIRE, WIS — Menards updated their pandemic policies Sunday, slightly easing their mask requirements for shoppers. Until recently, all Menards shoppers and employees were required to wear full face masks inside any of their numerous locations across the country. Now, spokesperson Emily Glanshert says they are altering their policy based on branding. “We know it’s not as safe, but it is the most Menards-y … Continue reading Menards Now Only Requiring Patrons to Wear 11% of a Face Mask

LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse County has added another 27 cases of older drivers coming to a complete stop before slowly trekking through an empty roundabout, bringing the total to 1,237,456 since February of this year. “We’d like to remind our drivers – again – that if no one from your left is coming, you get to go,” a county spokesperson said. “I wish … Continue reading County Reports 27 New Cases of People Coming to Full Stop at Empty Roundabout

LA CROSSE, WIS — The Brewers Association confirmed a startling discovery to the chagrin of local beer enthusiasts all over the Coulee Region: King Gambrinus is a Keystone Light drinker. The APWAA, or Anti Piss-Water Association of America, was called in to investigate on behalf of the Brewers Association in early January when passers-by indicated there was something unusual about the iconic statue. “They said, … Continue reading BREAKING: King Gambrinus Tests Positive for Keystone Light

La Crosse Times Year In Review – June LA CROSSE, WIS — In response to the recent uptick in COVID-19 cases among the 20-29 year old bar crowd, La Crosse County officials have decided to release a swarm of angry parents to help control the bar fly populations. Over the past week, La Crosse County has seen a significant uptick in COVID-19 cases. Though the … Continue reading County Releases Swarm of Angry Parents to Control Bar Populations