Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to prove his worth, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson’s newest intern is currently losing his goddamn mind trying to figure out how to blame a recent train derailment in De Soto, Wisconsin on the Covid-19 vaccine. “Fuck!” exclaimed Terry Kashkow, pulling out yet another patch of hair. “There’s gotta be a way. Think, dammit!” Kashkow, now recently turned 27, nabbed a spot … Continue reading Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

WASHINGTON, DC — The CDC released new guidelines Wednesday saying that if one has been fully vaccinated against COVID-19, they are now allowed to wear socks with flip flops in public if they want to. “This type of behavior is typically not allowed,” CDC spokesperson Hannah Buttsinheimer said, “but after careful analysis of the data, we’ve found that for fully vaccinated people, there is a … Continue reading CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now

In her La Crosse position, Rombalaski on average would endure 100-200 nonsensical comments from armchair experts each day. However, in her new job, officials say that number could potentially quadruple just on a slow day. Continue reading New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now

Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents

Gundersen Health System has released its plan for vaccinating complete and utter dipshits who have stated they will refuse to get vaccinated for COVID-19 for a variety of nonsensical reasons. The announcement comes after a PEW study in December 2020 showed that 39% of people are opposed to getting the vaccine. This would essentially make herd immunity impossible with a minimal attainment percentage being 70%. Continue reading Gundersen to Lure Anti-Vaxxers into Vaccinating via Pop-Up Fireworks Tents

Guy Wearing Camo Year-Round Says a Mask Will Make Him ‘Look Weird’

SPARTA, FL — Resistance to wearing facial coverings continues, particularly in more rural conservative areas of the state. Jake Dockerville, 33, of Sparta says he will refuse to wear a mask over personal reasons. “Hey look… I just don’t want to look weird,” Dockerville said, decked out head to toe in hunting camouflage in the month of July. “A mask would make me look weird, … Continue reading Guy Wearing Camo Year-Round Says a Mask Will Make Him ‘Look Weird’

Menards Now Only Requiring Patrons to Wear 11% of a Face Mask

EAU CLAIRE, WIS — Menards updated their pandemic policies Sunday, slightly easing their mask requirements for shoppers. Until recently, all Menards shoppers and employees were required to wear full face masks inside any of their numerous locations across the country. Now, spokesperson Emily Glanshert says they are altering their policy based on branding. “We know it’s not as safe, but it is the most Menards-y … Continue reading Menards Now Only Requiring Patrons to Wear 11% of a Face Mask

County Reports 27 New Cases of People Coming to Full Stop at Empty Roundabout

LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse County has added another 27 cases of older drivers coming to a complete stop before slowly trekking through an empty roundabout, bringing the total to 1,237,456 since February of this year. “We’d like to remind our drivers – again – that if no one from your left is coming, you get to go,” a county spokesperson said. “I wish … Continue reading County Reports 27 New Cases of People Coming to Full Stop at Empty Roundabout

Smiley Face Killer Reportedly Struggling to Work From Home

LA CROSSE, WIS — The coronavirus pandemic is seriously throwing a wrench in everyday life for everyone, and we do mean everyone. The La Crosse Times has learned that the notorious serial killer known only as “The Smiley Face Killer” is struggling to make the transition toward working from home. “My whole profession depends on getting close to people, but I grew up with asthma!” … Continue reading Smiley Face Killer Reportedly Struggling to Work From Home

BREAKING: King Gambrinus Tests Positive for Keystone Light

LA CROSSE, WIS — The Brewers Association confirmed a startling discovery to the chagrin of local beer enthusiasts all over the Coulee Region: King Gambrinus is a Keystone Light drinker. The APWAA, or Anti Piss-Water Association of America, was called in to investigate on behalf of the Brewers Association in early January when passers-by indicated there was something unusual about the iconic statue. “They said, … Continue reading BREAKING: King Gambrinus Tests Positive for Keystone Light