God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

ONALASKA, WIS — In the strongest rebuke yet of the area’s sudden spike in gas prices, God issued a statement via severe thunderstorm Friday night. “I—the alpha and the omega—rebuke and condemn in the strongest possible terms this callous, greedy and above all unnecessary cash grab,” the almighty said though a wall of 60 mile per hour wind gusts and damn-near basketball-sized hail. The statement … Continue reading God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO

LA CROSSE, WIS — Donald Zietlow, First of His Name, CEO of the Bluepolos, the Banana Trucks, and the First Beer-Runs-of-the-Night, Lord of the Seven Rivers, and Protector of the Coulee Realm, will step down for retirement, naming his son and Mayo Clinic Maester Scott as heir. But two others have now made a claim for the Karuba Throne. Donald’s brother Aegon Zietlow first made … Continue reading Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO

Kwik Trip Voted Best Place to Gain 26 Pounds in 2021

LA CROSSE, WIS — On the heels of the news that Glassdoor ranked Kwik Trip one of the best places to work, another website, Stretchpants, has ranked the convenience store the number one place to absolutely wreck your diet and gain a full-sized toddler’s amount of weight in 2021. “We are so honored to have received both of these awards,” spokesperson Spicy Nuggvelvet said. “To … Continue reading Kwik Trip Voted Best Place to Gain 26 Pounds in 2021