Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area meteorologists reiterated one more time Friday that they are definitely sure that a huge blizzard is coming, maybe someday, probably. ”Oh, it’s definitely coming!” said meteorologist Rickle Williams-Frost of WPOS News, wiping a river of flop sweat from his forehead. “Yeah, it’s just, you know, uh… models change and, uhh… it’ll definitely be here, trust me! I didn’t just cause … Continue reading Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

LA CROSSE, WIS – Area residents are preparing their snow blowers, rearranging holiday travel plans, and gathering their blankets as the entire Coulee Region has been placed under a Winter Storm Warning stretching from Wednesday through Saturday.  Though temperatures have steadily fallen throughout December and snow has accumulated several inches, this week’s storm will likely be the first major one of the season. “For all … Continue reading Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

LA CROSSE, WIS – With recent snowstorms adding significant accumulation to the Coulee Region, area pavement cracks are looking forward to reigniting their passion for abruptly driving snow shovel handles into the abdomens of unsuspecting shovelers once again. “Honestly, it’s fucking hilarious,” said Cracky McFaultline, local pavement crack on 19th Street in La Crosse. “My guy comes out before work with his shovel thinking it’s … Continue reading Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

BREAKING: Duluth Trading Company imprisoned Santa and Mrs. Claus against their will

LA CROSSE, WIS — A familiar festive sight took a dark turn Friday when authorities raided the Duluth Trading Company store downtown in an effort to free Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Santa and Mrs. Claus could previously be seen in the decorative storefront window smiling and waving to passersby. However, what appeared to be seasonal fun was actually false imprisonment.  According to sources, Santa was … Continue reading BREAKING: Duluth Trading Company imprisoned Santa and Mrs. Claus against their will

Area ice fishermen looking forward to upcoming drinking season

LA CROSSE, WIS — With temperatures in the Coulee Region steadily dropping well below freezing, ice has formed in many of the backwaters along the Mississippi River, prompting area ice fishermen to start preparing for a new season of drinking.  “I look forward to it every year. It’s become tradition,” said Rob Nunebaker, 54, of Onalaska. “It’s exciting dusting off the cooler, reorganizing my mixers, … Continue reading Area ice fishermen looking forward to upcoming drinking season

Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO

LA CROSSE, WIS — Donald Zietlow, First of His Name, CEO of the Bluepolos, the Banana Trucks, and the First Beer-Runs-of-the-Night, Lord of the Seven Rivers, and Protector of the Coulee Realm, will step down for retirement, naming his son and Mayo Clinic Maester Scott as heir. But two others have now made a claim for the Karuba Throne. Donald’s brother Aegon Zietlow first made … Continue reading Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO

Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together

MADISON, WIS — Losing gubernatorial candidate Tim Michels said in a recent interview that Donald Trump did not return to Wisconsin to host another rally for Michels because Trump was certain Michels would win. Despite these reassurances, incumbent Tony Evers went on to win reelection.    Michels also revealed that he spoke with Trump just before the election and that not only did Trump reassure Michels … Continue reading Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together

World’s most boring guitar player loses pick

ONALASKA, WIS — The world’s most boring human who also happens to have — and may even play — a guitar seems to have lost his or her pick. Authorities claim they located the pick Tuesday in the parking lot of an Applebees. The mildly used blue pick showcases a “US Bank” logo on the front, giving valuable insight on what kind of person it … Continue reading World’s most boring guitar player loses pick

Mount La Crosse fires up seasonal employee-making machines

LA CROSSE, WIS. — It’s time to descend into the recesses of your cellar to dig out those $300 skis you bought and used one time 15 years ago. Thanks to early snow accumulation in the Coulee Region, skiing season is already upon us! In preparation for the ski season opening, Mount La Crosse has already fired up their Seasonal Employee-Making machine. General Manager Chatterer … Continue reading Mount La Crosse fires up seasonal employee-making machines

Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

LA CROSSE, WIS — Tempers flared Tuesday as a local libertarian realized his polling location was within 500 feet of a school. “This is an outrage!” said lifelong libertarian Michael Mikman. “This is clearly the work of the woke liberal agenda. That ACTIVIST JUDGE at La Crosse County Circuit Court is just jealous that I’ve got GAME and he doesn’t! Sorry about your limp dick, … Continue reading Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school