Council representatives came away from a marathon session Thursday night again with no clear plan on how to sweep the issue under the rug one more time. Continue reading City leaders deadlocked on how to pretend to address homelessness
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to prove his worth, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson’s newest intern is currently losing his goddamn mind trying to figure out how to blame a recent train derailment in De Soto, Wisconsin on the Covid-19 vaccine. “Fuck!” exclaimed Terry Kashkow, pulling out yet another patch of hair. “There’s gotta be a way. Think, dammit!” Kashkow, now recently turned 27, nabbed a spot … Continue reading Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine
LA CROSSE, WIS — A 26-year-old La Crosse man reportedly makes a stunning and sudden transformation into a tax revenue expert whenever talk of legalization in Wisconsin comes up. Friends — who initially asked to be referred to as acquaintances — of downtown resident Jeremy Kronstadt first noticed his remarkable transformation after the announcement Thursday that the Wisconsin GOP is working toward medical pot legalization. … Continue reading La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up
MADISON, WIS — Losing gubernatorial candidate Tim Michels said in a recent interview that Donald Trump did not return to Wisconsin to host another rally for Michels because Trump was certain Michels would win. Despite these reassurances, incumbent Tony Evers went on to win reelection. Michels also revealed that he spoke with Trump just before the election and that not only did Trump reassure Michels … Continue reading Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together
LA CROSSE, WIS — Tempers flared Tuesday as a local libertarian realized his polling location was within 500 feet of a school. “This is an outrage!” said lifelong libertarian Michael Mikman. “This is clearly the work of the woke liberal agenda. That ACTIVIST JUDGE at La Crosse County Circuit Court is just jealous that I’ve got GAME and he doesn’t! Sorry about your limp dick, … Continue reading Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school
VIROQUA, WIS — The 2022 Midterm Elections are just a few days away, and local independent voters are psyching themselves up to once again completely wreck society for the foreseeable future. “I just really thought the fallout from the once in a lifetime pandemic was going to be all rainbows and sunshine,” said cross-eyed Vernon County resident Lake Bellfast. “It’s just not going the way … Continue reading Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday
LA CROSSE, WIS — Despite repeated attempts by local universities and media outlets, a debate between Wisconsin’s 3rd Congressional District candidates will not be taking place before the election on November 8. However, a reporter for The La Crosse Times did see two squirrels fight over a nut in Myrick Park Sunday afternoon and that was basically the same thing, so we’ll take it: The … Continue reading There’s no Pfaff-Van Orden debate, but we saw two squirrels fight over a nut and that was pretty much the same thing
For nearly four months, the red polo sweater has been anonymously meeting with federal investigators under the codename “Deepstate Throat” in the Market Square parking ramp. Continue reading Bill Feehan’s Red Polo Sweater Comes Forward as Whistleblower in Fraud Allegations
The bill also requires the submission process to include the submitting lawmakers be chased throughout the halls and chambers of the capitol building by security guards while the tune is playing. Continue reading New Bill Would Require “Yakety Sax” to Play Whenever GOP Introduces Legislation
LA CROSSE, WIS — With final results from Tuesday’s Primary crowded race for La Crosse Mayor tallied, Vicki Markussen (1,560 total votes and 24% of the overall vote) and Mitch Reynolds (1,345 total votes and 20%) are the two candidates voters chose to advance to the April 6 general election. Although seven of the other candidates were at least 400+ votes away from qualifying, one … Continue reading Martin Gaul Shows Range of Emotions After Close 3rd Place Mayoral Primary Finish
