Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

LA CROSSE, WIS — Tempers flared Tuesday as a local libertarian realized his polling location was within 500 feet of a school. “This is an outrage!” said lifelong libertarian Michael Mikman. “This is clearly the work of the woke liberal agenda. That ACTIVIST JUDGE at La Crosse County Circuit Court is just jealous that I’ve got GAME and he doesn’t! Sorry about your limp dick, … Continue reading Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

woman holding up sign that says VOTE!

Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

VIROQUA, WIS — The 2022 Midterm Elections are just a few days away, and local independent voters are psyching themselves up to once again completely wreck society for the foreseeable future. “I just really thought the fallout from the once in a lifetime pandemic was going to be all rainbows and sunshine,” said cross-eyed Vernon County resident Lake Bellfast. “It’s just not going the way … Continue reading Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

There’s no Pfaff-Van Orden debate, but we saw two squirrels fight over a nut and that was pretty much the same thing

LA CROSSE, WIS — Despite repeated attempts by local universities and media outlets, a debate between Wisconsin’s 3rd Congressional District candidates will not be taking place before the election on November 8. However, a reporter for The La Crosse Times did see two squirrels fight over a nut in Myrick Park Sunday afternoon and that was basically the same thing, so we’ll take it: The … Continue reading There’s no Pfaff-Van Orden debate, but we saw two squirrels fight over a nut and that was pretty much the same thing

Martin Gaul Shows Range of Emotions After Close 3rd Place Mayoral Primary Finish

LA CROSSE, WIS — With final results from Tuesday’s Primary crowded race for La Crosse Mayor tallied, Vicki Markussen (1,560 total votes and 24% of the overall vote) and Mitch Reynolds (1,345 total votes and 20%) are the two candidates voters chose to advance to the April 6 general election. Although seven of the other candidates were at least 400+ votes away from qualifying, one … Continue reading Martin Gaul Shows Range of Emotions After Close 3rd Place Mayoral Primary Finish

New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now

In her La Crosse position, Rombalaski on average would endure 100-200 nonsensical comments from armchair experts each day. However, in her new job, officials say that number could potentially quadruple just on a slow day. Continue reading New Job Allows Former Health Director to Address Idiots’ Comments From Entire State Now

Local Alpacas Vow to Help Bring Back Zoo at City Hall

LA CROSSE, WIS — Local fluffy long-necked goat thingies, or ‘Alpacas’ as they are commonly known, announced plans Wednesday to bring back the zoo at La Crosse’s City Hall – in particular, bringing back the boy mayor exhibit. “I’ve never seen one up close! A boy mayor, I mean,” Puffball Spitzonkids, an alpaca, said. “Years and years ago La Crosse had them at City Hall … Continue reading Local Alpacas Vow to Help Bring Back Zoo at City Hall

New Ordinance Requires All New Business Names to Include “Rivers”, “Coulee” or “Driftless”

“We were going to do that anyway,” said Punsy Minesweeper, new owner of 3 Driftless Rivers’ Coulee Cooperative. “This is how people know if a business is located in this part of the state.” Continue reading New Ordinance Requires All New Business Names to Include “Rivers”, “Coulee” or “Driftless”