Category: National News

Local News, National News, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area meteorologists reiterated one more time Friday that they are definitely sure that a huge blizzard is coming, maybe someday, probably. ”Oh, it’s definitely coming!” said meteorologist Rickle Williams-Frost of WPOS News, wiping a river of flop sweat from his forehead. “Yeah, it’s just, you know, uh… models change and, uhh… it’ll definitely be here, trust me! I didn’t just cause … Continue reading Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

The La Crosse Times
National News, News, Top Stories

Hoobastank tickets still working just fine, Ticketmaster says

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — Great news for concert-goers! Ticket seller and monopolized behemoth Ticketmaster says ordering Hoobastank tickets is working just fine. The news came via a hastily-typed release late Tuesday night following a myriad of problems with the company’s website. “We were first alerted to the problem earlier this week, when millions of customers told us they weren’t able to buy tickets for their … Continue reading Hoobastank tickets still working just fine, Ticketmaster says

The La Crosse Times
woman holding up sign that says VOTE!
Local News, Local Politics, National News, National Politics, News, Top Stories

Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

VIROQUA, WIS — The 2022 Midterm Elections are just a few days away, and local independent voters are psyching themselves up to once again completely wreck society for the foreseeable future. “I just really thought the fallout from the once in a lifetime pandemic was going to be all rainbows and sunshine,” said cross-eyed Vernon County resident Lake Bellfast. “It’s just not going the way … Continue reading Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

The La Crosse Times
National News, National Politics, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

TAMPA BAY, FL — Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) began the process of loading up an entire hurricane on an airplane to send to a democratic stronghold Tuesday. DeSantis, flanked by a sign reading, “Stop Woke Nature”, defended his administration’s actions at a press conference. “Look, Hurricane Ian signed a consent form and we gave him a packet of information on services that are available in … Continue reading FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

The La Crosse Times
National News, National Politics, News, Top Stories

‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

WASHINGTON, DC — Cries of lawmakers currently in control of all houses of the US government echoed through the chambers this morning as elected representatives wondered if anyone was going to do something. “What are we doing?!” Sen. Putz Limpington of the majority ruling party said. “When will we finally say enough is enough, and finally do something?” Early reports indicate that the current ruling … Continue reading ‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

The La Crosse Times
COVID-19, National News, News

CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

WASHINGTON, DC — The CDC released new guidelines Wednesday saying that if one has been fully vaccinated against COVID-19, they are now allowed to wear socks with flip flops in public if they want to. “This type of behavior is typically not allowed,” CDC spokesperson Hannah Buttsinheimer said, “but after careful analysis of the data, we’ve found that for fully vaccinated people, there is a … Continue reading CDC Says Fully Vaccinated Can Now Wear Socks With Flip Flops in Public

The La Crosse Times
National News, News

Area Dad’s “Gas Shortage” Jokes Reaching Critical Mass

LA CROSSE, WIS — News of a gas shortage after a cyber attack shut down a major supplier pipeline for several days has led to devastating effects for one local family. “He just won’t stop!” exclaimed an exhausted Town of Shelby resident Jordanna Bust. “We can’t take anymore, please! Just fix the gas shortage, for our sake!” Jordanna’s husband Barry, a father of two, is … Continue reading Area Dad’s “Gas Shortage” Jokes Reaching Critical Mass

The La Crosse Times
National News, News, Opinion

Employers: We’re Willing to Pay a Generous “Less Than it Costs to Live”, So What’s the Holdup?

LA CROSSE, WIS — Vaccines are here, some people are getting them, and we are hiring again. Hello? I said WE ARE HIRING AGAIN! God, it’s like none of you can hear us… Do you realize what we are saying? There are jobs! Lots and lots of jobs! Why isn’t that all the information you need to come in, apply, go through a rigorous interview … Continue reading Employers: We’re Willing to Pay a Generous “Less Than it Costs to Live”, So What’s the Holdup?

The La Crosse Times
Local News, National News, News, Top Stories

Turns Out The Band “One Direction” Was Actually Named After the Only Way to Get to Farm and Fleet

ONALASKA, WIS — A month long investigation that was definitely not our editor taking much-needed time away has led to a discovery involving former pop sensation One Direction and the origin of their name. The official story, until recently, was that superstar and guy who probably pissed off your uncle with that dress picture a while ago, Harry Styles, suggested the name because it “sounded … Continue reading Turns Out The Band “One Direction” Was Actually Named After the Only Way to Get to Farm and Fleet

The La Crosse Times