Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

LA CROSSE, WIS — Tempers flared Tuesday as a local libertarian realized his polling location was within 500 feet of a school. “This is an outrage!” said lifelong libertarian Michael Mikman. “This is clearly the work of the woke liberal agenda. That ACTIVIST JUDGE at La Crosse County Circuit Court is just jealous that I’ve got GAME and he doesn’t! Sorry about your limp dick, … Continue reading Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

woman holding up sign that says VOTE!

Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

VIROQUA, WIS — The 2022 Midterm Elections are just a few days away, and local independent voters are psyching themselves up to once again completely wreck society for the foreseeable future. “I just really thought the fallout from the once in a lifetime pandemic was going to be all rainbows and sunshine,” said cross-eyed Vernon County resident Lake Bellfast. “It’s just not going the way … Continue reading Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

TAMPA BAY, FL — Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) began the process of loading up an entire hurricane on an airplane to send to a democratic stronghold Tuesday. DeSantis, flanked by a sign reading, “Stop Woke Nature”, defended his administration’s actions at a press conference. “Look, Hurricane Ian signed a consent form and we gave him a packet of information on services that are available in … Continue reading FL Gov. begins process of loading Hurricane Ian on plane to Madison

‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

WASHINGTON, DC — Cries of lawmakers currently in control of all houses of the US government echoed through the chambers this morning as elected representatives wondered if anyone was going to do something. “What are we doing?!” Sen. Putz Limpington of the majority ruling party said. “When will we finally say enough is enough, and finally do something?” Early reports indicate that the current ruling … Continue reading ‘Somebody do something!’ cries party currently in control, not doing something

Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000

LA CROSSE, WIS — A Texas man visiting family in La Crosse is now suing a vandal accused of helping deface a baby statue. Sunday, La Crosse’s notorious “Hatched Baby” statue had its head removed by vandals, damaging it so much, eyewitnesses described it as “almost normal looking now”.  Once 46 year old Texan Rudy “Tootie” Shoody saw the news on his steam-powered iPhone, he … Continue reading Visiting Texan Sues Blue Baby-Defacing Vandal for $10,000

man in pink dress shirt

‘I need to be able to kick these lazy renters out!’ says man whose entire living is passive income

LA CROSSE, WIS — Landlords are already pushing back on a Biden administration plan to extend the eviction moratorium to October 3rd in areas experiencing high transmission of the delta variant. La Crosse area landlord and meat trimmings garbage receptacle wished to life in a Stephen King short story, Landon Biggs, is one of those pushing back, saying that renters are too lazy to bother … Continue reading ‘I need to be able to kick these lazy renters out!’ says man whose entire living is passive income

FBI Needs Your Help Identifying This Seditious Asscrack

WASHINGTON, DC — The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) is seeking information that will assist in identifying the gross, seditious asscrack pictured as it was actively instigating violence in Washington, DC on January 6th, 2021.  According to Capitol Police Chief Robert Dinkdonk, the hazardous faction of disgusting asscrack was photographed during the insurrection attempt, which could have caused “great harm to public safety.”  “First of … Continue reading FBI Needs Your Help Identifying This Seditious Asscrack

BREAKING: Melania “Accidently” Pushes Trump Out of Marine One: “Oops”

WASHINGTON, DC — Shortly after Donald Trump said farewell to Washington and left aboard Marine One, Trump was seen falling out of the presidential helicopter. Reports later confirmed that the president was pushed by former first-lady and current wife Melania Trump.  “It was an accident,” a smiling, non distraught Melania explained, “I slipped and unbuckled his seatbelt, I slipped and opened the door, and then … Continue reading BREAKING: Melania “Accidently” Pushes Trump Out of Marine One: “Oops”