Category: Top Stories

Kwik Trip, Local News, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

ONALASKA, WIS — In the strongest rebuke yet of the area’s sudden spike in gas prices, God issued a statement via severe thunderstorm Friday night. “I—the alpha and the omega—rebuke and condemn in the strongest possible terms this callous, greedy and above all unnecessary cash grab,” the almighty said though a wall of 60 mile per hour wind gusts and damn-near basketball-sized hail. The statement … Continue reading God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories

BREAKING: Minnesota friend now REALLY into gardening

LA CRESCENT, Minn. — That one person you know who lives in Minnesota announced Tuesday that they are now very much interested in gardening. “I really, really need to get an herb garden going,” explains La Crescent native Jimmy Neglijay. “It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, but I only really decided I needed to do it on Tuesday, May 30th at noon… or, thereabouts.” … Continue reading BREAKING: Minnesota friend now REALLY into gardening

The La Crosse Times
COVID-19, Local News, Local Politics, National News, National Politics, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to prove his worth, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson’s newest intern is currently losing his goddamn mind trying to figure out how to blame a recent train derailment in De Soto, Wisconsin on the Covid-19 vaccine. “Fuck!” exclaimed Terry Kashkow, pulling out yet another patch of hair. “There’s gotta be a way. Think, dammit!” Kashkow, now recently turned 27, nabbed a spot … Continue reading Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Fort McCoy to dump 15 bajillion gallons of water into Mississippi for flood control training

FORT MCCOY, WIS — Fort McCoy will run training exercises this weekend designed to help the federal military installation respond to flooding disasters. The plan calls for Fort personnel to dump upwards of 15 bajillion gallons of water into the Mississippi River and practice responding to the flooding that this action will inevitably cause. “This is an important annual exercise to remain ready for disaster … Continue reading Fort McCoy to dump 15 bajillion gallons of water into Mississippi for flood control training

The La Crosse Times
Local News, Local Politics, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up

LA CROSSE, WIS — A 26-year-old La Crosse man reportedly makes a stunning and sudden transformation into a tax revenue expert whenever talk of legalization in Wisconsin comes up. Friends — who initially asked to be referred to as acquaintances — of downtown resident Jeremy Kronstadt first noticed his remarkable transformation after the announcement Thursday that the Wisconsin GOP is working toward medical pot legalization. … Continue reading La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up

The La Crosse Times
Local News, National News, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area meteorologists reiterated one more time Friday that they are definitely sure that a huge blizzard is coming, maybe someday, probably. ”Oh, it’s definitely coming!” said meteorologist Rickle Williams-Frost of WPOS News, wiping a river of flop sweat from his forehead. “Yeah, it’s just, you know, uh… models change and, uhh… it’ll definitely be here, trust me! I didn’t just cause … Continue reading Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

LA CROSSE, WIS – Area residents are preparing their snow blowers, rearranging holiday travel plans, and gathering their blankets as the entire Coulee Region has been placed under a Winter Storm Warning stretching from Wednesday through Saturday.  Though temperatures have steadily fallen throughout December and snow has accumulated several inches, this week’s storm will likely be the first major one of the season. “For all … Continue reading Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

Greg Lovell
Local News, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

LA CROSSE, WIS – With recent snowstorms adding significant accumulation to the Coulee Region, area pavement cracks are looking forward to reigniting their passion for abruptly driving snow shovel handles into the abdomens of unsuspecting shovelers once again. “Honestly, it’s fucking hilarious,” said Cracky McFaultline, local pavement crack on 19th Street in La Crosse. “My guy comes out before work with his shovel thinking it’s … Continue reading Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

Greg Lovell
Local News, News, Top Stories

BREAKING: Duluth Trading Company imprisoned Santa and Mrs. Claus against their will

LA CROSSE, WIS — A familiar festive sight took a dark turn Friday when authorities raided the Duluth Trading Company store downtown in an effort to free Santa and Mrs. Claus.  Santa and Mrs. Claus could previously be seen in the decorative storefront window smiling and waving to passersby. However, what appeared to be seasonal fun was actually false imprisonment.  According to sources, Santa was … Continue reading BREAKING: Duluth Trading Company imprisoned Santa and Mrs. Claus against their will

Greg Lovell