Category: Top Stories

Local News, Local Politics, National Politics, News, Top Stories, Wisconsin News

Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together

MADISON, WIS — Losing gubernatorial candidate Tim Michels said in a recent interview that Donald Trump did not return to Wisconsin to host another rally for Michels because Trump was certain Michels would win. Despite these reassurances, incumbent Tony Evers went on to win reelection.    Michels also revealed that he spoke with Trump just before the election and that not only did Trump reassure Michels … Continue reading Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together

Greg Lovell
Local News, News, Top Stories

World’s most boring guitar player loses pick

ONALASKA, WIS — The world’s most boring human who also happens to have — and may even play — a guitar seems to have lost his or her pick. Authorities claim they located the pick Tuesday in the parking lot of an Applebees. The mildly used blue pick showcases a “US Bank” logo on the front, giving valuable insight on what kind of person it … Continue reading World’s most boring guitar player loses pick

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories

Mount La Crosse fires up seasonal employee-making machines

LA CROSSE, WIS. — It’s time to descend into the recesses of your cellar to dig out those $300 skis you bought and used one time 15 years ago. Thanks to early snow accumulation in the Coulee Region, skiing season is already upon us! In preparation for the ski season opening, Mount La Crosse has already fired up their Seasonal Employee-Making machine. General Manager Chatterer … Continue reading Mount La Crosse fires up seasonal employee-making machines

Dr Jonathon H. Dong
National News, News, Top Stories

Hoobastank tickets still working just fine, Ticketmaster says

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — Great news for concert-goers! Ticket seller and monopolized behemoth Ticketmaster says ordering Hoobastank tickets is working just fine. The news came via a hastily-typed release late Tuesday night following a myriad of problems with the company’s website. “We were first alerted to the problem earlier this week, when millions of customers told us they weren’t able to buy tickets for their … Continue reading Hoobastank tickets still working just fine, Ticketmaster says

The La Crosse Times
Local News, Local Politics, National Politics, News, Top Stories

Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

LA CROSSE, WIS — Tempers flared Tuesday as a local libertarian realized his polling location was within 500 feet of a school. “This is an outrage!” said lifelong libertarian Michael Mikman. “This is clearly the work of the woke liberal agenda. That ACTIVIST JUDGE at La Crosse County Circuit Court is just jealous that I’ve got GAME and he doesn’t! Sorry about your limp dick, … Continue reading Oh No! Libertarian’s polling location within 500 feet of a school

The La Crosse Times
woman holding up sign that says VOTE!
Local News, Local Politics, National News, National Politics, News, Top Stories

Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

VIROQUA, WIS — The 2022 Midterm Elections are just a few days away, and local independent voters are psyching themselves up to once again completely wreck society for the foreseeable future. “I just really thought the fallout from the once in a lifetime pandemic was going to be all rainbows and sunshine,” said cross-eyed Vernon County resident Lake Bellfast. “It’s just not going the way … Continue reading Independent voter psyched to completely fuck up society Tuesday

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories

City of La Crosse’s new app picks super cool logo design that is not at all a total ripoff of anything

LA CROSSE, WIS — The City of La Crosse launched a brand new app Tuesday that features what some people are calling, “the greatest and most original logo design of all time.” The city launched its LaCrosse311 app designed to both consolidate city services in one place, and also to confuse and confound the general populous over the age of 50. However, somewhat overshadowing the … Continue reading City of La Crosse’s new app picks super cool logo design that is not at all a total ripoff of anything

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories

DHS recommends La Crosse area receive ‘Ventipox’ vaccine to prevent spread of new Starbucks locations

LA CROSSE, WIS — A new recommendation Sunday from the Department of Health and Human Services advises the whole La Crosse area to be immunized from the spread of new Starbucks locations. DHS first sounded the alarm when approximately 52 new Starbucks appeared along a short stretch of Highway 16 in what seemed like the span of the past two weeks. “The spread of new … Continue reading DHS recommends La Crosse area receive ‘Ventipox’ vaccine to prevent spread of new Starbucks locations

The La Crosse Times
Local News, Local Politics, News, Top Stories

There’s no Pfaff-Van Orden debate, but we saw two squirrels fight over a nut and that was pretty much the same thing

LA CROSSE, WIS — Despite repeated attempts by local universities and media outlets, a debate between Wisconsin’s 3rd Congressional District candidates will not be taking place before the election on November 8. However, a reporter for The La Crosse Times did see two squirrels fight over a nut in Myrick Park Sunday afternoon and that was basically the same thing, so we’ll take it: The … Continue reading There’s no Pfaff-Van Orden debate, but we saw two squirrels fight over a nut and that was pretty much the same thing

The La Crosse Times
Local News, News, Top Stories

BREAKING: Popcorn Tavern now pronounced with a really hard ‘R’

LA CROSSE, WIS — Residents may have been pronouncing the name of one of La Crosse’s downtown bars wrong this whole time. The revelation came just days after leaked messages between staff and management sparked controversy and fallout over whether being objectively racist is actually racist or not. Longtime Popcorrrrrn Taverrrrn regular Riley Brandysuck started going to the establishment on 4th Street over 40 years … Continue reading BREAKING: Popcorn Tavern now pronounced with a really hard ‘R’

The La Crosse Times