God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

ONALASKA, WIS — In the strongest rebuke yet of the area’s sudden spike in gas prices, God issued a statement via severe thunderstorm Friday night. “I—the alpha and the omega—rebuke and condemn in the strongest possible terms this callous, greedy and above all unnecessary cash grab,” the almighty said though a wall of 60 mile per hour wind gusts and damn-near basketball-sized hail. The statement … Continue reading God issues statement rebuking spike in gas prices

Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to prove his worth, U.S. Senator Ron Johnson’s newest intern is currently losing his goddamn mind trying to figure out how to blame a recent train derailment in De Soto, Wisconsin on the Covid-19 vaccine. “Fuck!” exclaimed Terry Kashkow, pulling out yet another patch of hair. “There’s gotta be a way. Think, dammit!” Kashkow, now recently turned 27, nabbed a spot … Continue reading Ron Johnson intern frantically trying to figure out how to blame train derailment on Covid vaccine

Fort McCoy to dump 15 bajillion gallons of water into Mississippi for flood control training

FORT MCCOY, WIS — Fort McCoy will run training exercises this weekend designed to help the federal military installation respond to flooding disasters. The plan calls for Fort personnel to dump upwards of 15 bajillion gallons of water into the Mississippi River and practice responding to the flooding that this action will inevitably cause. “This is an important annual exercise to remain ready for disaster … Continue reading Fort McCoy to dump 15 bajillion gallons of water into Mississippi for flood control training

La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up

LA CROSSE, WIS — A 26-year-old La Crosse man reportedly makes a stunning and sudden transformation into a tax revenue expert whenever talk of legalization in Wisconsin comes up. Friends — who initially asked to be referred to as acquaintances — of downtown resident Jeremy Kronstadt first noticed his remarkable transformation after the announcement Thursday that the Wisconsin GOP is working toward medical pot legalization. … Continue reading La Crosse area stoner suddenly tax revenue expert whenever legalization comes up

Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

LA CROSSE, WIS — Area meteorologists reiterated one more time Friday that they are definitely sure that a huge blizzard is coming, maybe someday, probably. ”Oh, it’s definitely coming!” said meteorologist Rickle Williams-Frost of WPOS News, wiping a river of flop sweat from his forehead. “Yeah, it’s just, you know, uh… models change and, uhh… it’ll definitely be here, trust me! I didn’t just cause … Continue reading Increasingly anxious meteorologists assure everyone blizzard ‘definitely coming at some point, probably’

Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

LA CROSSE, WIS – Area residents are preparing their snow blowers, rearranging holiday travel plans, and gathering their blankets as the entire Coulee Region has been placed under a Winter Storm Warning stretching from Wednesday through Saturday.  Though temperatures have steadily fallen throughout December and snow has accumulated several inches, this week’s storm will likely be the first major one of the season. “For all … Continue reading Area bracing for winter’s first punch to the nuts

Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

LA CROSSE, WIS – With recent snowstorms adding significant accumulation to the Coulee Region, area pavement cracks are looking forward to reigniting their passion for abruptly driving snow shovel handles into the abdomens of unsuspecting shovelers once again. “Honestly, it’s fucking hilarious,” said Cracky McFaultline, local pavement crack on 19th Street in La Crosse. “My guy comes out before work with his shovel thinking it’s … Continue reading Area pavement cracks looking forward to driving shovel handles into abdomens again

Area ice fishermen looking forward to upcoming drinking season

LA CROSSE, WIS — With temperatures in the Coulee Region steadily dropping well below freezing, ice has formed in many of the backwaters along the Mississippi River, prompting area ice fishermen to start preparing for a new season of drinking.  “I look forward to it every year. It’s become tradition,” said Rob Nunebaker, 54, of Onalaska. “It’s exciting dusting off the cooler, reorganizing my mixers, … Continue reading Area ice fishermen looking forward to upcoming drinking season

Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO

LA CROSSE, WIS — Donald Zietlow, First of His Name, CEO of the Bluepolos, the Banana Trucks, and the First Beer-Runs-of-the-Night, Lord of the Seven Rivers, and Protector of the Coulee Realm, will step down for retirement, naming his son and Mayo Clinic Maester Scott as heir. But two others have now made a claim for the Karuba Throne. Donald’s brother Aegon Zietlow first made … Continue reading Two challengers — Daenerys and Aegon Zietlow — announce their claims for Kwik Trip CEO

Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together

MADISON, WIS — Losing gubernatorial candidate Tim Michels said in a recent interview that Donald Trump did not return to Wisconsin to host another rally for Michels because Trump was certain Michels would win. Despite these reassurances, incumbent Tony Evers went on to win reelection.    Michels also revealed that he spoke with Trump just before the election and that not only did Trump reassure Michels … Continue reading Report: Trump also assured Michels they’d have Taco Tuesday together