LA CROSSE, WIS — A startling new study by the University of Wisconsin – La Crosse Climate Science Department confirmed fears that the city of La Crosse will be entirely engulfed and transformed into one large Kwik Trip by the year 2050.
First opened in 1965, Kwik Trip has quickly spread to 621 stores, 380 stores in Wisconsin, and 20 in city of LaCrosse alone. The report indicates that all La Crosse citizens will all become Kwik Trip employees, and will be required to do all the job requirements of a Kwik Trip employee.
“It’s progressing quicker than we thought,” said Dr. Djeremy Flavenboner, department head and lead researcher. “If we don’t take corrective action now, we are headed for a doomsday scenario.”
Some local residents maintain that the report is inaccurate believing that the university climate scientists are in the pocket of other gas station giants.
“This is just a conspiracy propagated by big oil to get you to stop supporting our beautiful Kwik Trip stations,” argued Cedric Fuklin, a local Kwik Trip regular. “All this fear mongering about Kwik Trip taking over is ridiculous. There’s not even a Kwik Trip within 100 feet of my house!”
A breakdown of how the climate scientists believe this will play out:
- Main doors: Northside junction at Interstate 90
- Check Out: Valley View Mall area
- Hot Spot: Northside industrial park near Logan High School
- Plastic Donut Cases: The marsh along Hwy 16 near Myrick Park
- Karuba Coffee Area: Losey Blvd to the bluffs (half of the cappuccino machines projected to be out of order)
- Candy Aisle: Southside Shelby area
- Car Wash: Cass St. and Cameron Ave Bridges
- Walk In Beer Cooler: Downtown
- Bathrooms/back of the store: Stoddard
- Gas Pumps: Onalaska to West Salem
- Miscellaneous Shit Isle: Mormon Coulee Road up to Gundersen Hospital
The report did not include whether or not the city Kwik Trip will have a Red Box, but scientists are crossing their fingers.
“We are on the precipice of a complete take-over,” Flavenboner asserted. “Soon we’ll all be wearing blue shirts and asking if you want to get a box of day old Glazers.”
Nobody at Kwik Trip was available to comment because they were all in the middle of a 12 hour shift.
Reporter Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.