69 Page Pandemic Playbook Destroyed by Pence for Being “Provocative Length”

WASHINGTON, DC — One of the biggest criticisms amid the global pandemic is that the Trump team failed to follow the pandemic playbook written by pandemic experts years prior. The document, written back in 2016 during the Obama administration, provided a step by step list of priorities which were ignored by President Trump’s pandemic response team. 

Now people across the country are scrambling to get necessary masks, gloves, and other safety equipment to fight COVID-19. These supplies, medical experts say, have arrived late to a battle that has left everyone at risk and are driving up infection rates. 

Bigger questions still remain among the medical community: What happened to the 69-page pandemic playbook? Why isn’t the Trump team using it now? And can it be used for future pandemics? Unfortunately we will never know. 

An anonymous source, who is also part of the White House pandemic team, has informed The La Crosse Times that the infamous playbook has been completely destroyed. The destruction surprisingly did not come from a directive by President Trump, rather at the hands of Vice President Mike Pence over what is being described as a “provocative length of pages.” 

“We had the playbook in our hands and were ready to start using it,” explained the anonymous source. “Then one of our young male interns noticed the length of the playbook was 69 pages long and he creepily said “Nice,” which prompted Pence to react.” 

That’s when it is reported that Pence snatched the plan out of the team’s hands, ran to his office with the playbook in his clutches, and locked himself in.

The source reported that as the team pounded on Pence’s door to let them in. Pence instead turned up gospel country song Jesus Hold My Hand by The Chuck Wagon Gang, dimmed the lights, lit candles, and prayed for the evil to leave as he shredded each page one by one. 

After the shredding, Pence then curled up and cried in the shower for several hours whispering to himself, “It had to be done. The bad number can’t hurt you no more.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.