After COVID Spike, “Planet Fittin’ This Pizza In My Mouth” Now Healthiest Gym in La Crosse

LA CROSSE, WIS — After some La Crosse area gyms were listed as high risk several times over the past month, a relatively new gym is now technically the safest and healthiest gym in the Coulee Region.

Plant Fittin’ This Pizza In My Mouth is a brand new health club located in the back alley of West Avenue’s Toppers Pizza, provided that Hynie Quarterbounce – the gym manager – is present.

“My gym is a little bit different than the others,” Quarterbounce said. “They have indoor spaces where people sweat and breathe heavily, potentially in close quarters and not wearing facial coverings. At my gym, you sit outside by the back of this pizza place and shove as many slices as you can into your mouth from the garbage before anyone notices.”

PFTPIMM’s unorthodox approach to health at first wasn’t as appealing as it is now, according to Quarterbounce. Membership levels were very low.

“It was actually just me for a long time,” Quarterbounce added. “I would just come back here and eat leftover pizza and then tell people I went to the gym to save face. Now, since I won like a healthy award or whatever, everybody wants to join.”

Nutritionists argue that the diet at PFTPIMM will eventually lead to heart disease and diabetes in six months, but admit that the significantly lower risk of COVID-19 exposure more than cancels that out.

“With the influx of new members, we’ve been able to buy a whole new set of wipes to take care of all the sauce on the face,” Quarterbounce said. “I think if we’re going to be the number one healthiest gym in La Crosse, cleanliness is probably really important I bet.”

Planet Fittin’ This Pizza In My Mouth is open seven days a week, from whenever Quarterbounce is hungry to whenever Quarterbounce is full. In an effort to compete, the Onalaska Planet Fitness has reportedly reached out to nearby Pizza Ranch to work out a collaboration.

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.