ANTIFA Special Teams Still Needs Some Work


ONALASKA, WIS — The Onalaska Police Department has identified the clumsy ANTIFA placekicker in the images below. He is a suspect in an ongoing investigation involving the heinous crime of muffing an easy sign kickoff before stealing the cardboard political yard sign and taking off.

ANTIFA, the anti-fascist political movement aimed at achieving equality, have had a very active year by using their draft selections on picks that would bolster a strong offense, while tightening up holes in their defense. Unfortunately, this has left the special teams completely forgotten and depleted as shown by this pathetic display of unathletic civil disobedience. 

“We’re very happy with where our team is at right now. We are as strong as we have ever been and are pushing forward,” commented ANTIFA head coach John Spatzenburger, “but we are only as strong as our weakest link, and our special teams is definitely that link. I mean, I’ve seen kickers miss the ball on a punt when pressured by the fascist defense, but NEVER on the kickoff. It was just embarrassing.” 

Spatzenburger’s biggest concern is his referring to his kickoff and punting squads leaving the fascists with strong field position putting extra pressure on their defense. 

The Onalaska Police Department did decide to throw a flag on the play, but not because of the hilarious biffing the kicker took, rather for the act of stealing the sign. 

“Face-planting in a yard is hilarious and not illegal. If anything, it is encouraged. But the stealing of free, easily replaceable cardboard signs is where I draw the line,” commented Onalaska police chief Boogin Saladshaker. “We may not have time to enforce the life-saving mask-mandate, but I will defend these poor defenseless yard signs who are the victims of these vicious hate crimes to the death!” 

Saladshaker has not decided on a punishment for the disgraced kicker, but he feels that the public shame and humiliation may be enough. 

Here is a link to the video in its entirety. Warning: the content of this video may be disturbing.

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.