Archaeologists Unearth Catbirds Fossils at La Crosse Center Expansion Site


LA CROSSE, WIS — The ground breaking site for the new La Crosse Center expansion has been delayed while university archaeologists slowly unearth fossils of an ancient civilization that once inhabited the La Crosse Center arena: The La Crosse Catbirds. 

The discovery was made shortly after the La Crosse Center groundbreaking ceremony when a construction worker saw a mysterious object protruding from the newly excavated dirt. 

“Just peeking through the dirt there I saw a prehistoric symbol of a bird thing holding a basketball,“ explained Domino Rosenheater, the construction worker who made the discovery. 

The symbol Rosenheater described belongs to the La Crosse Catbirds of the Continental Basketball Association (CBA) from 1985 to 1994. It is believed that this early group of bipedal homo sapiens played an ancient version of basketball quite similar to the version we see today only with significantly shorter shorts and less traveling.  

Rosenheater continued, “When I realized the bird was of an ancient clipart origin, I knew we unearthed something really important.” 

Widely known as the training ground for future NBA coach Flip Saunders, who led the team to two CBA championships, the Catbirds were a staple in the La Crosse Center. Several future and previous unknown NBA players played for the Catbirds, including Andre Turner, David Rivers, Mark Davis, Derrick Gervin, Elliot Perry, Dennis Nutt and Kenny Battle.

That’s when Rosenheater ceased construction and immediately called the University of Wisconsin La Crosse archaeology department to assess the find. 

“I can confirm that Mr. Rosenheater and his team have, in fact, uncovered an ancient burial ground for the Catbirdicus Basketsballiumus, or better known as The Catbirds,” commented Dr. Junion Googleplex, lead archaeologist for The Catbird dig site. 

At first glance, Googleplex was convinced they had found a La Crosse Bobcats burial site – the CBA team who took over for the Catbirds with five miserable sub .500 seasons. This led to an immediate diminishing in fan base and eventual bankruptcy of the league. To find Bobcats memorabilia he described would be like “thinking you found a T-Rex skeleton and, instead, you find a Jurassic World DVD.” 

“I was ecstatic when I realized it was a true Catbird,” continued Googleplex, “We have stumbled upon a La Crosse nostalgia goldmine, and we intend to harvest it for all it’s worth. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.