ONALASKA, WIS — An Onalaska man injured his lower back and right calf muscle after sprinting 4.2 meters into his kitchen to stop water boiling over the side of the pot yet again in what can only be described as another failed attempt at boiling noodles without incident.
Friday evening, residents of Daleclover Road in the Town of Onalaska heard curse-filled shouts coming from the residence of Pete Nickerson, a 38-year-old school teacher. Nickerson was observed through his front bay window by the Daleclover residents as “throwing a hilariously non-threatening tantrum” that likely looked far less ferocious than Nickerson had hoped.
“I was making spaghetti for dinner, and I had just told myself to sit and watch the noodles closely so they wouldn’t boil over because I always do that,” Nickerson explained, “but then, like every other time, I got distracted.”
The cause of distraction on this occasion happened to be the season two premier of Tacoma FD on TruTV. Shortly before the first commercial break, Nickerson heard the blood-curdling sounds of water spilling over onto the burner.
In an effort to save as much water as he could, Nickerson sprang to action from a relaxed sitting position in his recliner and sprinted into the kitchen. In what he described as the “two-handed simultaneous blow maneuver,” Nickerson removed the pot from the burner, lifted the lid off the pot and calmed the boiling water with a gentle blowing; a maneuver Nickerson has perfected over the course of many years of failed attempts at boiling noodles.
“EVERY DAMN TIME! I’ve even tried the ‘laying the wooden spoon across the top’ trick,” Nickerson continued. “I still boil that shit right onto the burner like clockwork.”
After Nickerson removed the pot, he quickly assessed the damage and estimated at least 20% of the water had managed to escaped the pot. Most of this water was actively burning on the stove top leaving a strong charring aroma quickly spreading throughout the house. The rest of the water was wreaking havoc throughout the rest of the stove top by quickly spreading onto other burners in use.
“It was a just a damn nightmare,” Nickerson added. “Both my hands were full and I was helplessly watching the carnage unfold.”
That’s when this situation went from bad to worse as Nickerson started feeling a tightening sensation in his lower back and calf. Ultimately, it was determined that Nickerson had strained muscles in both areas attributed to the fact that he is middle-aged and did not stretch before jumping out of the chair and sprinting the full 4.2 meters into the kitchen.
Eventually Nickerson was able to compose himself, set the pot aside and clean up the mess on the stove top to the best of his abilities.
“I did the ‘Swipe Maneuver’, which is another technique I’ve perfected over the years,” Nickerson finished. “That’s where you do several fast sweeping motions across the hot burners with a wet washcloth while only mildly burning your hands. It’s a lot like when you’re a kid and you run your finger quickly through a candle flame.”
Nickerson was reported to still have been able to successfully complete the spaghetti dinner, but it was reported that the noodles turned out “a little hard.”
Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.