Area Man Now Deriving All Self Esteem from Video Game Successes

LA CROSSE, WIS — Having lost all sense of self and direction during the coronavirus quarantine, local gamer David Jenkins is now deriving all of his self esteem from video game successes.

“I tried the typical quarantine things we’re seeing all over social media, like baking bread, gardening, or putting cut-out hearts in the front window, but nothing really worked for me,” said Jenkins, pale and thin with bags under his eyes, from his darkened basement.

That is when the 28-year-old dove into his passion for video games, a move that proved to be uplifting and also provided a sense of accomplishment.

“I was always pretty good at gaming. Just ask my boss,” Jenkins said as he struggled to lift a two-liter of soda with his atrophied pencil arm. “Now I’m a straight boss, wrecking n00bs online and setting personal bests on the daily.”

Jenkins claims to have decimated hundreds of thousands of zombies and won countless co-op competitions.

Before succumbing to fatigue and stopping the interview, Jenkins said he believes his future is bright and that he can accomplish even more in the coming weeks.

“Just you wait,” said Jenkins, unable to focus and slumping heavily on his couch. “I’m gonna…fuzz some…sheet pups tomorrow.”  

Reporter Greg Lovell contributed to this article.