Ashley Furniture Donates Unclaimed Severed Pinkies From Warehouse to Charity


ARCADIA, WIS — Ashley Furniture, the American furniture chain that sells Ashley products, has decided to make a generous contribution to the community by donating all of their unclaimed severed pinkies to local charities. 

“We’ve been looking for ways to help organizations in need,“ said Ashley spokesperson Flannel Gelatin. “So instead of giving boring old money, we decided to get creative with our donation.”

The large cardboard box donation, weighing roughly 53 pounds, is thought to contain anywhere from 330-350 unclaimed severed pinkies from warehouse employees. The pinkies range in various sizes, shapes, colors, and ages as well as a diverse assortment of ways they were severed from clean saw cuts to horrible crushing mutilations. 

“We realize that the pinkies have been used, but this is part of our Going Green initiative,” Gelatin continued. “No pinkie shall go to waste.”  

Gelatin speculated that there may be at least two to three other phalanges in the box that could be mistaken for a pinkie, but she has assured the community that the vast majority of the box are fresh human pinkies. 

“It’s kinda like when you get Burger King french fries and once in a while they accidentally slip in an onion ring,” continued Gelatin. “You don’t complain about the onion ring. You simply enjoy the onion ring with the rest of the fries.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.