Bars Start Spraying Beer Down Throats Via Firehose to Maintain Social Distancing

LA CROSSE, WIS — It is not secret that one of the businesses most adversely affected by the pandemic is the tavern industry, and there is a comically above average number of them in La Crosse. Their struggles are not surprising being that virtually every existing law or new social norm is stacked against them. That’s why local bars have adapted and implemented a new system of serving alcohol: by spraying drinks down the throats of patrons via firehose. 

“Just when I was losing all hope and thinking there was no way to adapt, I remembered that scene from the movie UHF and it gave me an idea,” commented bar Chumbucket Spatoon, owner of Spatoon’s Bar and More Bar. “I love it when Michael Richards severely injures that little kid by having him drink from an actual firehose. Ha! I don’t care that he went on that crazy racist rant back in 2006, Kramer will always be funny to me!”

Pictured: Scene from Weird Al cult-comedy classic UHF that inspired Spatoon where Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards) shoots, and critically injures, a kid with a firehose.

Spatoon’s initial struggles were due to the fact that the foundation of tavern culture is drinking and socializing within the safety of the establishment. With the advent of people having to be socially distancing and wearing masks coupled with open container laws and restrictions, it was virtually impossible to operate a bar in any capacity. That was until Spatoon’s creative adaptation. 

“The restrictions completely crushed any sort of vibe we had,” Spatoon explained, “but the firehose allows us to legally serve drinks while keeping people safe.”  

Spatoon explained the advantages of this new system: 

  1. Drinks can be served from a minimum of 6 feet and a maximum of 100 feet away. 
  2. The firehose is connected to the tap line, so drinks are technically served from inside the establishment.
  3. Since the alcohol is served via a concentrated stream of carbonated barley soda directly down your throat, patrons are not able to take drinks with them off the premises. 
  4. The destructive force of the fluid pressure from the hose sanitizes anything it touches and may even remove a couple layers of skin. 
  5. Patrons are outside and not breathing in “recycled” air, yet are socializing as they watch their peers get obliterated by the firehose. 
  6. Partons choose to stay more than 6 feet apart for fear that someone nearby may order a drink and they may get killed by friendly fire from the bartender.
  7. It’s funny.

When asked about additional cost, Spatoon explained that most people “just buy Coors Light, so cost is minimally affected by the massive amount of waste.”

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.