LA CROSSE, WIS — In a proactive move, the La Crosse County Health Department (LCHD) has fitted the Blue Baby statue with a face mask to help stop the spread of the COVID-19 virus for when it comes to life at night.
“We recognize that the baby is not alive during the day when people are generally out and about,” commented LCHD director Donald Dokken, “but when when Blue Baby comes alive at night, sprouts it’s giant spider legs, and terrorizes the city from the shadows, we want to make sure we have taken the necessary precautions to prevent Blue Baby from contracting and/or transmitting the COVID-19 virus.”
Reports confirm that Blue Baby has not been tested for COVID-19 due to collective fears from health officials to put their hands anywhere near its gigantic teeth-filled baby mouth.
Once the decision was made to mask Blue Baby, LCHD officials debated for several hours about what the mask would look like.
“Since we are technically modifying somebody’s art,” Dokken continued, “we were very thoughtful about what the face mask would look like that evokes the same sort of feeling Blue Baby itself does.”
Some of the brainstormed mask ideas included a brown paper bag with holes cut for eyes, a mask that looks like a large hand covering Blue Baby’s mouth, and a facehugger Xenomorph mask (from the Alien franchise).
Ultimately, Dokken said the team decided on the Hannibal Lecter mask because of Blue Baby’s cannibalistic craving for human flesh.
Until the LCHD can find someone brave enough to get close to Blue baby to apply the mask, they are asking that people continue to keep their distance from Blue Baby, especially at night when it is feeding.
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong and his assistant Krotch Zander (pornography historian) contributed to this article.