BREAKING: A “Kick in the Teeth” Now Better Than Most Things

LA CROSSE, WIS — In recent times, inconveniences or disappointments in one’s life could be met with the phrase “Hey… it’s better than a kick in the teeth!”. Psychologists now say that in 2020, that dynamic has changed.

“We just can’t truthfully say that anymore,” Mayo Clinic psychologist Dr. Felbin Guntwhistle said. “Those disappointments used to be so few and far between, but now… for example, if there isn’t a parking spot available when I get to work, I’d honestly rather be kicked in the goddamn teeth than drive around again.”

Experts like Dr. Guntwhistle say this is a result of “crisis fatigue”, which can happen when multiple once in a lifetime gigantic and unrelenting crises happen at the same time.

“This year’s compounding crises are more than enough to make every little thing in one’s life seem infuriating,” Dr. Guntwhistle added. “By the way, how long is this fucking interview going to take…? Jesus…”

Area dentists, while accepting the findings, say they are now seeing an uptick in necessary oral surgeries due to the idiom shift.

“Uggggh fuck me!” Dr. Sandra Fappityfap said. “Honestly if I get one more patient missing their incisors, I’d rather… well, you know…”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.