BREAKING: Kobe King to Play for the University of None of Your Goddamn Business

LA CROSSE, WIS — Breaking news in the college basketball world, as former La Crosse Central High School and Badger Basketball star Kobe King will officially be playing for a school that is none of your goddamn business.

King’s announcement came shortly after he also announced he would no longer play for Nebraska as a junior citing personal reasons, which according to experts, is also none of your goddamn business.

“Quick question: why are we all desperately and very publicly obsessing over a man in his formative adult years who is just trying to find the right fit for himself in higher education and a sport he’s passionate about?” asked official armchair sports expert Ralph Pottsteiner. “Maybe we should all sit down and let the kid live his life without all the unhelpful input and attention…?”

Following this announcement, King made some other choices too, as do many other adults his age. According to reports, King will likely begin his next chapter in basketball at the University of None of Your Goddamn Business this fall, or next spring, or maybe not there and somewhere else entirely or not at all.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.