BREAKING: Pence Cancelling La Crosse Area Visit Over Objection to Misspelling of “Cross” in City’s Name

LA CROSSE, WIS — In an abrupt turn of events, Vice President Mike Pence is cancelling his visit to the La Crosse area currently slated for March 5th at Stoney Creek Inn in Onalaska. 

A White House spokesperson indicated that it is due to Coronavirus concerns in Washington state, but according to one anonymous source, Pence was just visibly shaken upon seeing La Crosse’s name in writing. 

Sources said Pence – a devout conservative Christian – noticed that the word “cross” was misspelled in the name “La Crosse” and took offense. Pence is said to believe the spelling to be intentional, possibly initiated by what he described as “evil forces,” including Hogwarts, the gay agenda and cable television. Pence also reportedly voiced concerns over possible subsequent threats to his purity, fearing a domino effect in a city with such a sacrilegious name.

“He had worries about the devil’s water, women’s skirt length and rock and roll music, too,” the source said.

Several White House staffers also reportedly tried to persuade Pence, explaining that “now it is time to go to La Crosse, so please put on your new cheese hat that you made and get into the plane.” Pence continued refusing, despite being asked nicely one more time and then being given a count of five.

A White House spokesperson emphatically denied the allegations, shortly before winking at reporters.

Reporters Greg Lovell and Sam Shilts contributed to this article.