BREAKING: Wisconsin Running Dangerously Low on Cute Social Distancing Infographics

MADISON, WIS — Health experts sounded the alarm Monday morning, warning that the stockpile of tongue in cheek Wisconsin-themed social distancing images are beginning to run thin.

Dr. Steven Ambrose of the state’s Department of Health and Human Services (DHS) made clear in a press release that, if the state doesn’t act soon, millions of social media users could be left without images with which to coyly joke about social distancing.

“We need Wisconsin residents to be vigilant,” Dr. Ambrose said. “If you are not a sports professional or broadcaster, we are asking you NOT to share the image of five cheeseheads spaced out, or Christian Yelich sliding as a cute guideline for 6-foot social distancing. Those workers need them more than the rest of us.”

The Wisconsin DHS is asking residents to begin making home-made cute Wisconsin-themed infographics for donation, potentially related to the following ideas:

  • Distance between Mike McCarthy and current Packer fans
  • The minimum distance it takes for Jay Cutler to throw an interception (6 feet)
  • Distance between La Crosse, Wisconsin and a decent semi-pro basketball team
  • Two plates of Unk’s Mess from Marges On Rose
  • Seven steins of beer from the former Stolpa’s Stein Haus
  • Distance between Eau Claire and Justin Vernon after he fucked up Eaux Claires IV
  • Distance between the end of alternate side parking and actual winter snowfall
  • Squirrel-tossing distance during La Crosse Oktoberfest

The DHS is asking for any and ALL ideas to be sent immediately. The La Crosse Times will accept donations of cute Wisconsin-themed social distancing infographics at thelaxtimes@gmail.com.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.

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