CALEDONIA, MINN — The Minnesota State High School League (MSHSL) made a startling discovery earlier this week. The Caledonia Warrior High School football team has been using the machine that made Captain America on their football athletes.
The inquiry into the insanely successful program was started this past month after Caledonia not only won their 68th straight game, 5th straight state title, and 10th state championships in the past 12 years, but they pretty much kicked the living shit out of every team they played along the way.
Today, MSHSL released a statement summarizing the findings of the investigation that concluded the Warriors football program have, in fact, injected their players with the super-soldier serum and baked them in the same 1940s steam tank that turned Steve Rogers from scrawny to brawny. It was also revealed that the team helmets were forged from Vibranium in the machine used to create Captain America’s shield, and the team holds all their off-season workouts in Wakanda.
A spokesman from MSHSL stated that they will not be exploring punishment for the program as it not technically illegal, and for fear of potential retaliation from The Avengers. The Warriors football program issued the following statement:
We win and will continue to win until Red Skull is brought to justice.Caledonia Warrior Football
Reporter Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.