CDC Adds 6 New Symptoms of Being a Thicc Bitch Who Needs Tempo

WASHINGTON, DC — The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) have expanded their list of possible symptoms for being a thicc bitch in need of tempo, and urges the general public to be tested immediately should you show signs.

Until recently, the symptoms listed were as follows:

  • Strong feeling or belief that slower tempo songs are exclusively for skinny hoes
  • Inability to move one’s body to aforementioned slower tempo songs
  • Characterizing one’s self confidently as a thicc bitch

Now, as new data pours in, the CDC has added the following to their list of possible symptoms:

  • Insisting on having your water wet
  • Constant feeling of needing a jack for all of that ass
  • Abundance of cakey for those nearby to consume
  • Increased interest in knuckling up from men currently in a relationship
  • Legendary twerk skills
  • Intermittent Missy Elliott

“Should you show at least two of these symptoms, it’s a good idea to schedule an appointment with your DJ to be tested,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said. “If it comes back positive, you may need to fuck it up to the tempo.”

The CDC recommends those positive for being a thicc bitch who needs tempo to immediately start dancing to faster songs. 

“We’ve found the resulting side effects are a literal ass-load of confidence and self-esteem,” Dr. Fauci added. “This is promising news.”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.