LA CROSSE, WIS — An effort to control the population of pigeons in downtown La Crosse has sparked outrage and protests based solely on religious grounds.
The City of La Crosse, along with the help of local businesses, purchased “OvoControl” feeders to place atop several locations downtown. The feeders contain birth control infused seed designed to devastate the hopes of potential pigeon moms choosing to live an urban life.
Upon hearing the news, local conservative pigeon Edward R. Phlapping became livid.
“I understand the problem, I do,” Phlapping said. “But for them liberals down at city hall to just shove their lifestyle choices down MY gizzard is just plain wrong!”
Phlapping describes himself as a devout Christian, heading to church every Sunday to relieve himself on a hybrid car, and pray. Birth control, he says, is something to which he is adamantly opposed.
“I ain’t no slut,” Phlapping said.
He went on to say that the recent use of birth control was a conspiracy to tell squabs (young pigeons) that it was okay to, “Rub cl’akes wit’ whoever they want, whenever they want”. Cl’akes is an old pigeon slang term for cloaca, the reproductive opening on most birds and lizards.
Phlapping can be seen most mornings now picketing city hall in his favorite MAGA hat. His cause has yet to draw any other supporters, but sources close to him say the Trump Administration may be considering him to be FAA commissioner.
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.