Christian Conservatives Rattled After Learning Jesus Loved Everyone

WASHINGTON, DC — It’s been a rough week for christian conservatives in the US. LGBTQ+ citizens were handed a 6-3 win Monday from the supreme court saying they are protected from workplace discrimination. On top of that, reports are now coming through this week from biblical scholars that confirm Jesus Christ did in fact love everyone unconditionally.

“What do you mean, everyone?” christian conservative voter Dane Kook said. “Everyone? Like… like even Bruce Vilanche…? There’s got to be some mistake…”

Scholars poured through the pages of the new testament looking for any indications of a ‘wink wink’ or even a ‘nudge nudge’ in reference to Jesus loving everyone, but have yet to find any.

“It’s just not there,” one scholar said. “I suppose you could try and cherry pick something and make it fit your own narrative, but then you wouldn’t really be following the teachings of Jesus Christ so much as you’d be following the teachings of Mike Pence.”

Kook, like many others, now faces a difficult choice between his religion and Christianity.

“Do I start fresh and relearn everything, or do I continue hating people that I’m afraid to understand?” Kook postulated. “Decisions, decisions… Are you sure there’s nothing that says ‘except for immigrants and the gays’? Are you sure? Dammit…”

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.