City Addresses Toilet Paper Shortage by Returning Collected Leaves From Fall

LA CROSSE, WIS — In the wake of a city-wide toilet paper shortage, La Crosse officials have decided to return all of the tree leaves they collected last fall to be used as an impromptu solution: for wiping asses in need. 

The decision came after city officials were faced with the problem of what to do with all of the excess leaves from the previous fall. Currently, the leaf-collection locations are all at capacity with no location for transfer. Just as the group was about to begin brainstorming ideas, the new toilet paper shortage made its way onto the meeting agenda. That’s when one city official had an idea. 

“I saw the two agenda items on the page and it just hit me!” commented city official Milky Floralstank. “People can just use the leaves for toilet paper. Two birds. One stone.” 

The city is optimistic local anuses will eventually toughen up and adapt to the course edges of the dried leaves on our soft, pampered backsides. That said, the following advisory issued by the officials asks La Crosse citizens to look out for the following debris in their leaf toilet paper as they could cause great rectal damage and/or discomfort:

  • Sticks
  • Rocks
  • Pine cones
  • Chewing Gum
  • Glass shards
  • Syringes
  • Birds and/or rodents (dead or alive)
  • Ticks, spiders, and other insects

City officials have recognized that this is a short-term solution, but they are optimistic the practice may catch on with some citizens looking for more organic alternatives to traditional toilet paper.  

“We estimate that finger break-through incidences will increase dramatically, but these are trying times, and we all have to just toughen up and persevere. You have to imagine it as nature’s single ply,” Floralstank continued. “Just grab onto something and hold on for the ride.” 

Reporter Dr.Jonathan H. Dong and pornography historian Krotch Zander contributed to this article.