City Erects Memorial Statue of Drunk Guy Smashing Defenseless Parking Ramp Arms


LA CROSSE, WIS — The City of La Crosse has decided to erect a statue in memorial of all the parking ramp arms that perished over the past decade. 

The decision came after city council officials reflected on what they described as, “The dark ages of city parking.” The council then brainstormed the measure and unanimously approved the statue after a brief five-minute deliberation. 

“Putting those parking ramp arms in the ramps was our idea. We were the ones who consciously put them in harm’s way,” commented council member Olean Swampassage, “I just feel sick to my stomach every time I think about the number of arms we lost in only a couple months.”

Swampassage is referring to the council’s decision several years ago to put parking ramp stations in the downtown parking ramps without seriously considering how the local drinking culture would respond. The parking ramp arms were mercilessly broken immediately after installation costing the city thousands of dollars.

“They just couldn’t help themselves,” Swampassage continued, “putting those poor, defenseless parking ramp arms out for the bar time drunks was like putting a cow in a pool filled with piranhas.” 

There is no official number on how many ramp arm’s lives were taken over their short occupancy, but some historians speculate the number may be in the 10 millions. 

“It’s the least we can do for the brave parking ramp arms who sacrificed themselves so the city could generate a little revenue,” Swampassage said, “May they now swing freely and control traffic in heaven.” 

The statue will be placed in Riverside Park. Efforts are currently being made to have the statue electrified to dissuade past ramp pole violators from desecrating the memorial. 

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.