Council to Reopen Economy Completely Comprised of Jeff Dunham Puppets

WASHINGTON DC — The shutting down of nonessential businesses has left the economy in shambles. Almost 17 million people have filed for unemployment, and that number could balloon to 20 million by the end of the month. Economists predict a recession over the next year is imminent, which has forced President Trump to assemble a crackpot team tasked with developing a strategy to reopen the economy as soon as possible; a team, hand-chosen by Trump, that is made up of all Jeff Dunham puppets, including the racists ones. 

The President announced the team of ventriloquist dolls this past Tuesday after Trump said he watched Dunham’s 2006 comedy special Arguing With Myself. White House spokesman, David Rashburn, confirmed that the president then chose the ventriloquist puppets to lead the council. 

“The President was not amused when Mr. Dunham made opening monologue jokes about his ex wife and driving a Prius,” Rashburn added, “but when the puppets appeared, the President was pointing at the screen, holding his stomach, and giggling quite intensely.” 

Rashburn added that the president liked all of the puppets but really identified with Walter. He appreciated how Walter always had his arms smugly folded in discontent and spoke without a shred of empathy. Trump also made connections to Peanut’s secret cocaine addiction, Bubba J’s low intelligence like his legions of supporters, Sweet Daddy Dee’s access to prostitutes, and Melvin’s outward fascination with sexual harassment. 

When asked about the president’s thoughts on the the Mexican and Muslim puppets, Rashbum commented that the president felt the Jalapeno on a Stick was, “…not as rapey as other Mexicans he has heard about,” and Achmed the Dead Terrorist was okay because he is dead. Rashburn then confirmed that once the comedy special was over, President Trump instructed him to “get the puppets in my office immediately.” 

When the president was asked if Mr. Dunham would be joining the puppets, Trump responded, “Why? He wasn’t the one doing the talking and making me laugh.” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.