County Uses Remaining Grant Funds to Purchase Emergency Response Dragon

LA CROSSE, WIS — La Crosse County’s Emergency Response Team now has a brand new addition to their arsenal they say will keep them safe in dangerous operations and give them a decent claim to the Iron Throne.

In a press release Monday, the La Crosse County Sheriff’s Department announced the purchase of a fully grown, nearly 60 ton fire-breathing dragon. The $89,000 dollar adoption fee paid to Scorch, WI came out of the former Walker administration’s $300 million dollar “Fuck Education, Just Google It” grants. 

“His profile had a burnt cow’s corpse shaped like a heart next to his picture, so you know he’s been in the [foster] system for a while,” ERT Team Leader Mike Valencia said. “Makes me happy that not only do we get to ride him into dangerous situations and burn some fools, but we also get to give him a good home while doing it.”

The grant was designed to take existing money typically funding the public school system and instead use it for “tanks and other cool shit like that for the police”. Sheriff Jeff Wolf said the county had been wanting this for years, but only now did they settle on the wyrm that was the right fit.

“This was just the natural evolution for our department,” Sheriff Jeff Wolf said. “Sure, we barely use the MRAP and Bearcat and riot gear and bazooka and Lord of the Rings replica battle axes purchased through this grant before but, when it comes to the safety of our officers and members of the public, no addition is too much.”

Sheriff Wolf went on to say that if anyone didn’t agree with their decision, then “those people hate all law enforcement and are big jerks”.

The proposed housing of the dragon, now affectionately named Sergeant Smolder, is on Isle la Plume in the former Houska Dog Park. Grant funding means the adoption fee will in no way impact local taxpayers. However, the yearly cost of feeding and inevitable legal fees is projected to cost La Crosse upwards of $4.6 million dollars per week.

“Worth it!” Sgt. Valencia exclaimed from beneath fresh burn bandages.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.