Court rules Vos, Fitzgerald Can Have Sex with Your Girlfriend Like, Whenever They Want To

MADISON, WIS — The leaders of Wisconsin’s GOP now have even more expanded powers thanks to the landmark State of Wisconsin v Final Shred of Decency Left decision in the state supreme court.

“An utter disgrace,” said Thomas Clayson, one of the alleged victims. “Is anyone paying attention in this goddamn state anymore?”

In the spring of 2019, Clayson alleged that the state’s Senate and Assembly leaders Scott Fitzgerald and Robin Vos entered his home and claimed they were there for a legally granted “bone-sesh” with his then girlfriend, Angela Grafton.

“They showed me what they said was a legal writ to have a threesome with Angela,” Clayson said. “It was very clearly just a Hooters place mat with some writing in red crayon.” 

Angela Grafton, a criminal justice major at Western Technical College and card-carrying Republican voter, said she was conflicted at first but ultimately trusted elected officials.

“I may not understand it, but hey, I figured they were elected by the good people of Wisconsin, so they must know what they are doing and there’s probably a good reason for it,” Grafton said. 

However, Grafton did go on to say a sexual act referred to by Vos and Fitzgerald as “the lame duck” was extremely uncomfortable and didn’t do much for anyone involved.

Before leaving, both Vos and Fitzgerald attempted a Beginners Learn to Draw book left out for his three year old son, Clayson alleged. They became very frustrated and agitated, and ultimately left screaming obscenities and knocking over furniture.

“They are really not great with lines,” Clayson said. “Like, it was embarrassingly bad for any adult. I’m pretty sure my son could draw lines better than them with his non-dominant hand while riding the dog.”

Clayson felt confident about his case against the state, however a 4-3 decision this week along partisan lines rendered that confidence short-lived. The court deliberated for 3 minutes and 27 seconds, while three liberal justices were tricked into an early lunch break. 

“It is not the role of the supreme court to decide how many threesomes and/or with whom legislators force themselves on,” wrote Brian Hagedorn for the majority opinion. “Also, like, a threesome? LOL Noice! Hagedorn Out.”

“What the fucking fuck? What the hell is going on in this state? Is ANYONE overseeing this? Hello…?,” wrote Rebecca Dallet for the dissenting opinion. “Take your cheese curd filled eye-sockets away from Donald Trump for one fucking second and look in your own backyard you fucking idiots!”

The La Crosse Times reached out to Governor Tony Evers’ office for comment, but according to a spokesperson, he was shoved into a locker by Vos and Fitzgerald and was unavailable.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.