LA CROSSE, WIS — Ope! Scuse me, I’m just gonna sneak right through ya there. Sorry! So sorry! My name’s Cristobal, I’m a tropical depression, but I’m really a midwesterner at heart.
I know, typically tropical storms like me don’t run alla way up here to da north land but things are a lot different lately. You sure like those planes and those trucks and that coal powered energy! I mean jeez you guys! You all had ta stay all cooped up in your houses there for a bit and your carbon emissions for this year are still on track to set that big ol’ record!
Well, I know I’m all big and scary, and I know you’ve had those big expensive floods every year, but I really just thought this seemed like an invitation. Don’t worry though! I can only stay for about three or four days, tops, I promise.
I brought some pretty neat stuff with me though! I got some tornadoes, torrential rainfall, some hail casserole… just a couple things I thought you might need, I don’t know. Does Arcadia have one of those helicopter doo-dads? Might wanna look into that, I don’t know what I would do if I was a human who couldn’t leave town to get to da grocery store.
Anyway, can’t wait to see you guys! Talk soon! Tell my brother Charlie Behrens I said ‘Hey dere guy!’.
Tropical Depression Cristobal contributed to this article.