Destroyed Police Car Was Only Two Days to Retirement

MINNEAPOLIS, MINN — Officials across America were responding to another night of escalating unrest after clashes continued to erupt between protesters and police in dozens of cities. During the protests, freeways were blocked and windows were shattered as authorities deployed nonlethal weapons on American citizens. As multiple governors activated the National Guard and curfews were enacted in several major cities, the death of one individual was overshadowed amidst all the chaos: a Minneapolis Police Cruiser. 

The Minneapolis Ford Police Interceptor Utility Vehicle #052520 – who went by the name “Carl” – was tragically killed Sunday evening. Carl’s SUV body was found at the corner of 31st Street and Nicollet Avenue after being brutally spray-painted to death. He was only two days away from retirement. 

“Carl died doing what he loved – sitting around parked somewhere,” said Carl’s driver Roger Murtaugh, “If I close my eyes, I can still hear his siren.” 

Carl was a 12 year police vehicle veteran who was beloved around the police station garage. After work, he enjoyed going out with the other cars to tip back a pint of Pennzoil 10w-30 and whistling at the convertibles as they drove by. Carl also loved NASCAR and would religiously quote the movies Maximum Overdrive and Death Race: 2000. Carl was planning to spend his retirement years driving to Florida and parking along its many beaches.  

“I’m pro-life,” added Murtaugh. “I know Carl wasn’t technically alive, but he was an expensive, yet replaceable, inanimate object. And in America, expensive, inanimate objects are legally alive and more important than actual people.”  

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.