Dick in Front of You Has Handwritten List of Orders for All Their Co-Workers

LA CROSSE, WIS — The pandemic has caused massive changes in people’s eating habits. Just the change in a daily routine can throw an entire eating schedule out of whack, and launch a person toward binge eating and unhealthy snacking. That is why John Kimble has limited himself to eating out only one time per week in an attempt to eat more fresh food he purchases at the grocery store. Monday was the set day Kimble was going to treat himself with a delicious Lindy’s sub sandwich, or at least he thought so. 

As the 38-year-old Kimble crossed Main Street this past Monday afternoon for his weekly treat, he arrived at the front door of Lindy’s at the same time as Cullen Crisp, a technician at Trane. It was at that moment that Kimble made his first mistake. 

“I actually got to the door first and pulled it open,” Kimble explained, “but when I saw [Crisp], I could tell he was in a hurry. So I let him go ahead of me.”

After Kimble’s gesture of Midwestern politeness, he entered the restaurant behind Crisp and took his place in line right behind Crisp. He then breathed a sigh of relief as he immediately noticed the line was only one person deep ahead, and the woman ahead of Crisp was already paying for her food.  

“Lindy’s has the best subs in town, hands down. So entering the shop is a bit of a gamble when it comes to line length,” Kimble added, “Plus, there were only like two people working at that point, so I figured we just missed the lunch rush.”  

Kimble’s relief was short-lived. After Kimble decided on ordering an Uncle Lindy on wheat bread with all the toppings (regarded by many to be the greatest sub ever invented), his eyes drifted back to Crisp who was stepping up to order. That’s when Kimble noticed a piece of paper clutched in Crisp’s hands with hand-written notes all over it. It was at that moment Kimble knew he was “completely fucked.”  

“That son-of-a-bitch!” fumed Kimble. “He must have ordered twenty goddamn subs! And you can bet your ass each one of those fuckers ordered chips and a drink.”

The order, as Kimble recalls, took approximately 45 minutes to complete and exhausted the employees even further. Not knowing how to react, Kimble simply stood in shock for the entire three-quarters of an hour staring at Crisp with his mouth agape. 

Once it came time to order, Kimble did not want to cause any more distress to the exhausted workers who painstakingly and cooperatively pulled together the massive order for Crisp, who did not leave a tip. That’s when Kimble gathered what was remaining of his Midwestern politeness, happily took his spot at the counter, and started to place his order. All Kimble was able to order was insult with a side of injury. 

“They ran out of fucking bread!” Kimble screamed, “That dick cleaned them out! They still had flatbread and I got that, which was also goddamn amazing. BUT STILL!” 

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.