LA CROSSE, WIS — A spokesman for the La Crosse Police Department issued a statement earlier today, expressing the department’s disappointment in the peaceful demonstrations held in downtown La Crosse over the weekend.
“Ultimately,” the spokesman said, “it boils down a few good apples. Our department, like so many across the nation, was at the ready to just stomp some of you people. Unfortunately, a few junior officers – who are now under investigation – let their cooler heads get the better of them.”
Referring to the protests and demonstrations which erupted nationwide in response to the murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer, the spokesman added, “We looked at police across the nation this weekend being an absolute menace to the communities they’re supposed to serve – from shooting journalists with less-lethal rounds, macing children, and even ‘possibly’ going undercover to provoke further violence. We saw all of that, and we thought, that could be us. But, due to the unwarranted responsibility and caution these rogue officers displayed, it wasn’t to be.”
“Plus, we had so much cool shit we wanted to use on you. New riot gear, pepper balls, and this thing here!” he continued, gesturing towards a Bearcat armored response vehicle. “We got a fucking tank! A lot of our guys were really excited to run you people down with this, and it looks like it may not happen. So we want to make this promise to the people of La Crosse: We’re going to get more seasoned officers out there – some real villains – and hopefully we can give a better showing of ourselves next time. Just give us a fucking reason.”
The spokesman finished his statement by suggesting readers google “40% of cops” to learn more.
Reporter Lincoln Freimund contributed to this article.