Do You Have COVID-19 Symptoms, Or Are You Just A Lazy Piece Of Shit?

ONALASKA, WIS — This past Thursday, the Wisconsin National Guard hosted a free COVID-19 testing site. Nearly 45 minutes before the testing site was due to open, cars stretched for over a mile past Menards on Riders Club Road filled with people waiting to get tested. Even though the testing center was created to provide the La Crosse area with a much needed mass-testing opportunity, there were still only 400 tests available at the testing site; tests that were supposed to be reserved for people experiencing symptoms of COVID-19. 

Health officials have speculated that several people who arrived early to be tested were not experiencing symptoms of the illness, but rather were experiencing symptoms of being a lazy piece of shit. To help citizens identify the difference between COVID-19 symptoms and Totally Lazy Piece Of Shit symptoms, the La Crosse County Health Department developed a checklist to help community members make an informed decision so as to not waste any more vital tests. 

Symptom: Body Aches

  1. You are physically active, yet are experiencing unexpected muscle/joint pain: COVID-19 symptom
  2. You have been on the couch for 12 hours straight binge watching The Office for the 12th time: Lazy Piece Of Shit symptom

Symptom: Chills

  1. You experience a sudden feeling of cold and cannot seem to warm your body: COVID-19 symptom
  2. You are standing in front of an open refrigerator several times a day: Lazy Piece Of Shit symptom

Symptom: Fever

  1. You have a temperature of 100.4 degrees or higher: COVID-19 symptom
  2. You can’t stop quoting an old SNL sketch that Jimmy Fallon almost ruined: Lazy Piece Of Shit symptom

Symptom: Shortness of Breath

  1. You feel like you can’t get enough air into your lungs: COVID-19 symptom
  2. You just watched Jason Mamoa take off his shirt in Justice League: Lazy Piece Of Shit symptom

Symptom: Loss of Taste

  1. You cannot taste food: COVID-19 symptom
  2. You are watching Justice League (still?): Lazy Piece Of Shit symptom

Symptom: Cough

  1. Feeling of irritation in throat/lungs: COVID-19 symptom 
  2. Holding bong rip too long: Lazy Piece Of Shit symptom

Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed to this article.