LA CROSSE, WIS — As the weather continues to warm, the river slowly opens up and brings the waterfowl back to the area. Except this year, they are hungry. Very hungry. At least it appears that way after a flock of ducks killed and subsequently skeletonized an elderly man in Riverside Park last weekend after he forgot to bring bread to feed them.
The remains of 78-year-old retired plumber Edislap Funkdunkle were discovered on a park bench by a jogger on the north end of Riverside Park Sunday afternoon. His skeleton was left perfectly intact, but without an ounce of flesh remaining.
“They picked him clean all the way down to the bone,” said La Crosse County Coroner Poobin Rectangular. “From what I can gather, the pack of carnivorous mallards surrounded Mr. Funkdunkle on the park bench and overpowered him.”
Funkdunkle’s passing does not come without reflection on a lesson learned. Rectangular speculated that the death was relatively quick for Funkdunkle as a flock of aggressive mallards have been known to skeletonize a cow in less than one minute if they smell fresh bread on your skin.
The city quickly issued a warning to park patrons only hours after the gruesome discovery: “If you attend the park, you need to be prepared to feed the ducks at all times. Carry a loaf of bread with you or at minimum a small box of cereal. Whatever you do, DO NOT break eye contact with them or they will attack.“
Reporter Dr. Jonathan H. Dong contributed this article.