Elderly Man Hospitalized in Features Giant Food Menu Crushing

WEST SALEM, WIS — An elderly West Salem man has been hospitalized after a gigantic menu at Features Sports Bar and Grill knocked him over, crushing him under its intense size and weight, nearly killing him. 

Ned Schneebly, a retired plumber and current septuagenarian, knew the dangers of holding the intense weight of the menu, but was still stunned by the event.

“I think I was just a little too confident in my ability to lift the heavy menu,” Schneebly choked out between breaths on the respirator. “I’m not a spring chicken anymore, and I just need to accept my physical limitations like not being able to lift the enormous menu at Features.” 

The Features menu, which is approximately five feet tall by six feet wide, weighs in at approximately 225 pounds. When coupled with the drink menu and daily specials menu, a Features menu can reach weights of up to 300 pounds. 

“I thought I had it propped on the ground and could hold it steady, but once it started to go I was powerless,” continues Schneebly, “Lucky for me the entire West Salem Powerlifting team was there using the menus for training, otherwise I would have been a goner.” 

The menu is said to contain 75% of all forms of human consumable food with every option being available to be deep fried. Currently the recommendation for holding this menu would be for patrons to weigh at least 200 pounds, be at least 5’10” in height, have no preexisting conditions, and retain health insurance. 

Doctors recommend holding the menu for only up to two minutes at a time, to stretch and drink plenty of water before and after, and have a trained spotter positioned to prevent accidents such as this.

Reporter Dr. Jonathon H. Dong contributed to this article.