Entire Neighborhood To Walk Their Dogs The Same Time You Do

ONALASKA, WIS — Dog walkers beware! Reports now show no matter when you’re planning to walk your dog, there will be countless others doing it at the exact same time, requiring constant effort in avoidance.

The uptick of dog walker run-ins seems to be tied to quarantine boredom and allowances from Wisconsin’s Safer At Home order.

“You can still get out and walk the dogs,” Governor Tony Evers said via Twitter. “It’s good exercise and it’s good for everyone’s mental health.”

Dog walkers now notice that any attempt to change their normal routine has no effect on the number of others walking their dogs in their neighborhood.

“We even tried taking him out for his longer daily walk at like 4:37 AM,” pet owner Tracey Morganstein said. “And still! Sixteen other dog walkers in just a two block radius! This is doing nothing for my mental health!”

First-world and generally white person annoyances, residents say, mount up quickly.

“I just miss the time when we could walk down the sidewalk and not have to move onto the street or the grass every thirty steps to avoid someone else,” Fawn Calestentics said, holding her pitbull-weiner dog mix. “I know this sounds bad, but I think I might just let him shit in the house.”

Experts believe this trend will continue throughout the pandemic. Cats – they say – remain unaffected and generally speaking, emotionless.

Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.