LA CROSSE, WIS — Historians now agree that most everything from climate destruction, heated political power struggles, and even lack of global pandemic preparedness can be traced back to one catalyst in the mid-2000s: You just can’t get Mr D’s donuts anymore.
Mr D’s was an exalted bakery located in La Crosse, often revered by residents to the point of sounding magical.
“I moved here in 2003,” resident Justin Gash said. “At first I kind of thought it was a cult. But then I tried those donuts and I’ll be damned if everyone’s stories weren’t spot on.”
One study published by researcher Dr Jonathon H Dong in 1999 found that 97.6% of all stories told in La Crosse ended with some variation on the phrase, “…and then we went to Mr’s D for a bag of donut holes”.
“At the time, we knew it was something that held La Crosse together,” Dong said, “but we had no idea it was also a key pillar in global stability.”
Historians warn that if Mr D’s does not return in its original form, the earth could be looking at total devastation in just one year’s time.
“Bring it back,” Dr Dong pleaded. “For the love of God BRING IT BACK!”
Reporter Sam Shilts contributed to this article.