Exploded Porta Potty Confused for Confederate Monument; Vandals Issue Apology

LA CROSSE, WIS — The La Crosse Police Department responded to a call Wednesday morning of a portable toilet (ie: porta-potty) that had been exploded south of Pettibone Beach. Pieces of the porta-potty were in the roadway and scattered up to 50 feet away from its original position. 

Today, the La Crosse Times has learned that the destruction was, in fact, due to mistaken identity. The vandals who destroyed the porta-potty left an anomalous letter at the scene explaining they thought the porta-potty was another confederate monument. 

Here is the letter in full: 

“Dear people who came here to shit and can’t now, 

We’re totally sorry we destroyed your blue box of disgusting. We thought it was just another shit-filled confederate monument. But after we blew it up and actual shit flew all over the place, we realized that when people say “shit-filled confederate monument” they probably meant it as a metaphor, and they didn’t literally fill the confederate monuments with shit. 

If it makes you feel any better, a little bit of shit got on my jacket and pants, and some got in my friend’s mouth. He spit it out right away, but I don’t think he’s going to forget that taste anytime soon. To tell you the truth, he’s a lot more worried about swallowing that blue stuff from the porta-potty than the actual shit of strangers. I mean, what is that stuff even made of? It must be like toxic, right? He’s kinda freaking out about it. 

For what it’s worth, it was a lot more fun than we expected it to be and a lot easier than we thought. We literally used a couple random fireworks we bought at a roadside firework tent for like $10. So we will probably be doing this again. 

Sorry for the inconvenience. 

-The Vandals

PS: I didn’t come up with the name “The Vandals.” I think it’s dumb, but the guy who swallowed the shitty blue stuff insisted on it, and I figured that he might die so we just let him have it.

Police are still investigating the incident. Pettibone staff have temporarily propped-up the remaining pieces of the destroyed porta-potty and have fashioned a rudimentary enclosure for Pettibone patrons to still shit. 

La Crosse Times Staff contributed to this article.